


Can't Give Up

by JHyun33



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Drug Use, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lots of Cursing, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, One couple won't be tagged to avoid spoilers, Spring Break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 07:31:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10458903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JHyun33/pseuds/JHyun33
Summary: Wonwoo hates spring break until he meets Jeonghan. Then he hates it even more and a little less.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh this is my favourite fic that I have written up to now... I hope you enjoy reading it!!
> 
> I apologize in advance for spelling/grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

"I fucking hate you."

 

Mingyu pouts as Wonwoo pushes him aside. "Come on, hyung! It's only for a few hours.", he begs and tugs on his sleeve. "I won't drive. You know that I hate your stupid car and I don't want you and Hansol to fuck on the backseat while I'm driving.", the older replies and rolls his eyes when Mingyu doesn't give up. "We never fucked in my car."

"That's obviously a lie." They turn around facing a grinning Junhui. "Are we ready or why are you guys still standing outside and crying like babies?", he asks and Wonwoo punches him in the side. "Do _you_ want to drive? The other option is sitting between Hansol and Mingyu to prevent them from fucking each other right next to us."

"We never f-"

"Cut it, you two are like fucking rabbits at the moment. What's _wrong_ with you?! The last time you fucked was two hours ago in our apartment.", Wonwoo says dryly and Mingyu finally shuts up. "If _I_ had a hot boyfriend, I would fuck him whenever I could.", Junhui says bluntly and Wonwoo is about to throw up. He normally likes it that they all can talk about sex and stuff comfortably, but sometimes it is just too much. "Especially _you_ will never get a boyfriend or girlfriend. You fuck whoever comes near to you and is just as horny as you are.", he says. Junhui breaks out into laughter. "It's great to be me, at least I like girls and boys, I can fuck everyone." He still laughs when Soonyoung and Hansol arrive. "Now can we please stop talking about how much you like to fuck? I seriously don't want to drive, that is my biggest problem at the moment.", Wonwoo groans and he slaps Mingyu, just because he can.

They decide to wait for Seungcheol to drive, because Mingyu hates it when Junhui drives and he's afraid of Soonyoung accidentally crashing his stupid, beloved car. Wonwoo hates that thing with a passion, because he always remembers his first house party some years ago and how he threw up in the car after accidentally making out with that really innocent friend of Hansol while being wasted. He also hates the car, because it's fucking _green_ and he hates the color green and it always makes that weird sound when you start the engine and you have to constantly worry about it breaking down in the middle of the road. Seungcheol arrives late, his hot sister drives him, she waves them all goodbye and they have to force Junhui into the car before he runs after her.

"I can't believe you two are from the same family.", Junhui says and everyone else rolls their eyes. "She's really hot." Seungcheol whacks him over the head. "That's still my sister you're talking about, you bitch.", he says and Wonwoo slides next to him in the passenger seat, lets Soonyoung deal with the horny boys behind him.

"So, a friend of mine throws a house party near our house.", Seungcheol says after a while of driving and they turn their attention to him. "Fucking great.", Wonwoo mutters. "Hey, I know you hate spring break, but as soon as you get wasted it won't be so bad." The eldest laughs and it doesn't take them as long as they thought it would to arrive at the beach. Soonyoung's aunt has a house directly at the beach and she lends it to him every spring break and Wonwoo always wonders how loaded their family must be to give a whole, fancy beach house to a group of dumb, young adults.

 

After unpacking Wonwoo and Soonyoung change into their swim trunks to enjoy the last hours of sunlight before they are going for the first night getting wasted. "So, you plan to get laid or some shit?", Soonyoung asks as they test the coldness of the water. "Not really. Just drinking, smoking... You?" Wonwoo doesn't look up, because he knows Soonyoung is giving him _the look_. "Don't know. I hope Seungcheol's friend has some hot friends." They laugh and dive into the waves.

The others are sitting at the back of the house facing the beach, Seungcheol and Junhui smoke while the other two are busy sucking each others' faces.

It's still kind of weird for Wonwoo to see Mingyu and Hansol in a relationship. They started as friends with benefits and after Hansol came to their apartment crying (which he still denies to the very moment) that he fell in love with the older one, they got together. And Wonwoo wonders how two people with partially very different personalities fit together like them. Mingyu is an annoying, whining, definitely too tall fuck, who has his really cool moments, but then he becomes that weird dork again and Wonwoo wonders why he is his best friend with Soonyoung. Hansol is a fucking _pussy_ acting all tough with his big ass mouth cursing as much as he can. But on the other side they actually need each other, Hansol as the power bottom pushing Mingyu's right buttons, they complete each other  pretty well and it makes Wonwoo hate their relationship even more, because he always has to listen to them going at it like fucking _animals_.

Wonwoo takes a cigarette and lights it, blowing smoke in the air while the water on him and his wet hair starts to dry in the sun. He tries not to think about later and instead remembers the first time Hansol got _really_ fucked up, because the younger one takes a swig from his soda can and laughs loud at something Junhui says.

It wasn't Hansol's first house party, but it was the first time he came in contact with marijuana and an excessive amount of alcohol. Wonwoo remembers how Seokmin tried to take the weed away from the young boy, but he was able snatch some, Wonwoo was the one who rolled the joint for him and Mingyu started smoking it, sharing it with Hansol as the sweet boyfriend he is (Wonwoo feels the need to throw up again). They tried headshotting like Wonwoo used to do with Mingyu and Soonyoung, but Hansol was too inexperienced, doesn't smoke cigarettes, so he barely inhaled any of the drug. But as the vodka bottle was passed to him, he nearly drank a third of it and other stuff followed suit and the effects of the marijuana came. Hansol is a fun person when he is wasted. He starts laughing at everything and Wonwoo always thought he has one of the cutest laughs in the whole universe. Hansol started undressing himself, which Mingyu stopped at the right time and he made out with a sculpture in the house they were at. It was really funny until he started throwing up heavily and they escorted him into the garden, accidentally splashing his whole head with water and when Hansol was done emptying his stomach they all started laughing and couldn't stop despite Mingyu's worried rant about how much he feared Hansol's condition. The younger one just laughed at him and told him he was fine. And then he threw up on his boyfriend's shoes.

 

The house party is actually just four houses away and Wonwoo feels a bit sick when he hears the loud music blasting through the whole street. There are people in the front yard, some drunk and some just laughing and dancing. Seungcheol goes to search for his friend, Mingyu and Hansol directly run up to the living room to dance like idiots with Junhui on their heels. "Want to get drunk?", Soonyoung asks and Wonwoo smiles. "That's why you're my best friend.", he says and they look for the kitchen. The room is filled with girls and boys holding the infamous red cups and bottles filled with alcohol or beer. Wonwoo prefers high percentage stuff, always hated beer. They find some clean and empty cups, where they pour the alcohol in and they stay in the kitchen for the first half an hour getting tipsy. They do shots with other guys and some girls gift them with an unopened bottle of something with strawberry and vodka.

"Such a girly drink.", Soonyoung laughs and they drink the whole bottle, because _why the fuck not?_ and it actually tastes great. They leave for the dance floor, spot Junhui with a girl in a revealing pink dress. There are also Mingyu and Hansol on a sofa drinking and laughing with Seungcheol and some other people. They lose each other in the crowd, but it's alright, because Wonwoo and Soonyoung are usually like magnets and find themselves sooner or later. So Wonwoo pours himself another drink and he hears a girl is handing out weed brownies. In search for it he goes upstairs, tripping over some stairs, he feels so dizzy from all the alcohol, but he really needs some weed now.

Instead of weed brownies he finds a girl sitting on the floor rolling joints in a bedroom, where a couple is dry-humping on the bed to the rhythm of the music. She looks up and smiles holding up a joint. "Want some?", she asks and all he can bring out is a "Hell yeah.". The couple falls asleep, probably to fucked up for some action and Wonwoo sits cross-legged next to the girl, lights his joint up and closes his eyes as he enjoys the first inhale. "So, you're from here?", the girl asks and he shakes his head. "Some hours away...", he slurs and blows some smoke. "You?"

"I am." She lights a joint herself and starts smoking. "Kang Seulgi, nice to meet you." He laughs and they shake hands. "Jeon Wonwoo." They smoke in silence, the soft snoring from the couple is drowned out by the extremely loud music from downstairs. "Wanna make out, Jeon Wonwoo?", Seulgi asks bluntly as she finishes her joint and throws it in the ash tray on the floor. "Wrong gender, babe.", he slurs and grins. "But why not?" She laughs, grabs him by the collar and the kiss is so messy and tastes like that strawberry shit and marijuana. Wonwoo feels dizzy again and he breaks away.

They just laugh and Seulgi thanks him for whatever when he leaves. He downs two more cups of stuff he doesn't recognize and then the feeling of nausea hits him. Normally he would've found Soonyoung already to "hold back his hair", but he can't see his best friend. He's sure Junhui fucks that chick from before in a bedroom, Mingyu and Hansol are somewhere making out or dinking or fucking or smoking and Seungcheol is surely already completely wasted somewhere outside in the sand. So he tries to find a way outside, bumping into other people, tripping over his own feet, apologizing every two seconds to nobody. When cold air hits him he shivers, but feels refreshed, walks down the stairs and looks around, but he already forgot what he originally wanted out here.

"Searching for someone?"

Surprised he turns his head to the side and spots someone sitting in the sand two meters away from him. The lights from the house illuminate the features of the person and as Wonwoo comes near he sees a girl. A very unusual girl. She wears baggy jeans and a wide shirt, her hair pulled into a ponytail. "Wanna sit down? You look pretty fucked up." Is that really a girl? Her voice is deep and Wonwoo lets himself fall next to her. "Are you a girl?", he asks before anything else can leave his mouth. Real smooth, Wonwoo. "No, I'm a boy."

Oh.

_Oh._

And his laugh is fucking beautiful and it just reminds Wonwoo of someone he doesn't want to think about. "I'm Yun Jeonghan.", the boy introduces himself smiling. "Jeon Wonwoo." They stare into the distance and Wonwoo starts to space out until Jeonghan opens his mouth. "I actually fucking hate spring break.", he says and his abnormal cute laugh makes Wonwoo want to scream and melt at the same time. "Same.", he giggles and he feels so stupid for not being able to give more intelligent answers. "Sorry, I'm really-"

"Wasted? Already noticed." Jeonghan laughs and pats him on the back. "Normally I also get drunk at spring break parties, but didn't feel like it tonight.", he explains. "You smell like weed."

"Smoked some." Wonwoo holds up two fingers and taps at his lips. "I never did drugs.", the other admits. "You missed out on some good shit, man. Makes the world funnier and...and..." He struggles to find the right words, because he was about to tell _that story_. And you don't tell strangers your story, not even when you're drunk and drugged and the person next to you is the most beautiful boy you ever met. "Then I should try some, shouldn't I?", Jeonghan asks. "I heard something about weed brownies in the house.", Wonwoo replies. "Maybe next time.", the other offers and they giggle. "Why do you hate spring break?" Wonwoo's question hangs heavy between them and he almost wants to take it back, but Jeonghan sighs and starts talking. "I used to hang out with someone... but we drifted apart, because of someone else.", he says. "Sucks, man. Same shit happened to me.", Wonwoo slurs and he points into the distance.

"We used to avoid spring break parties, because it wasn't really our thing.", Jeonghan continues, but his words get lost in the breeze. Wonwoo looks at him. "I guess, we kind of have the same reason why we hate spring break.", he babbles and it was already too much information, but to be fair Jeonghan kind of told him his story. "At least we're not alone with our shit.", the other says and a grin stretches over his face and it's fucking adorable.

"You from here?", Wonwoo asks as the dizzy feeling returns and he has to lean back on his hands to stay stable. "No, I'm from Ferdy College, couple hours to drive."

"Wow, that's just about twenty minutes away from my college. Palms Dormer College." They smile and it becomes quiet again, Wonwoo actually hears the waves, but he's not sure if it's just the drugs or reality. He squints and believes to spot Seungcheol near the shore dancing like a retard with some others. "He must be high as fuck...", he mumbles and Jeonghan laughs loud when he discovers Seungcheol's strange dancing. "I guess you should look after him before he falls and drowns."

"He better drowns, he's an _idiot_."

"Lovely."

"But when I think about it... when he drowns I have to drive my friend's car home and I hate that shitty thing, so I really should look out for Seungcheol hyung.", Wonwoo decides and tries to get up, but fails hard. Jeonghan jumps into a standing position and helps him up. "Thanks, man.", the other slurs and he's about to fall, Jeonghan has to hold him back. "How much did you _drink_?!", he asks amused and all Wonwoo can get out of his mouth is a weird gurgling sound. "You gotta throw up or something?"

"No, no, I'm...fine."

He tries to take a step, but struggles to coordinate his own feet. Jeonghan brings him into a sitting position again and squats in front of him. "How about I get your high friend before he dies and then you guys get home?", he suggests. "No, I'm having...so much...fun.", Wonwoo hiccups and grins like an idiot. The nausea takes over again and he feels so sick.

"Are you alright?"

Jeonghan's voice sounds so far away even though he stands right next to him. He remembers _the_ _smile_ and grins himself, starts laughing like a maniac and Jeonghan seems a bit taken aback, but he stays in front of him. "Woah, dude, that weed is awesome!", Wonwoo laughs and the other can't help it and smiles brightly. "Nice one.", he says.

Surprisingly he keeps Wonwoo company and waits until the effects from the drugs become weaker and without a word he stands up and disappears to get him some water. The other looks around and he can see Seungcheol carrying someone on his back and hears him screaming the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. He automatically has to laugh at the scene, the drugs still in his system. "I finally found you!", he hears Soonyoung's voice from behind. "Let's go home, I already saw some people sleeping in the kitchen."

"Wh-what time 's it?"

"Two in the morning."

Wonwoo can't hide the surprise in his face, the stuff he took blurs his feeling for time. "Is that Seungcheol over there?" Soonyoung laughs so hard it nearly knocks him off his feet. "He naked already?", Wonwoo slurs grinning. "Not yet." The other makes his way through the sand, but turns in Wonwoo's direction halfway. "Don't move!", he screams and laughter fills the air.

As soon as Soonyoung disappears in the distance and nears a high Seungcheol Wonwoo hears Jeonghan's laugh and the boy sits down next to him. He gives him a cup filled with water and smiles after Wonwoo starts drinking.

"Feeling better?"

"A lot, thanks." Wonwoo tries to form a normal smile, but it is really hard and he ends up with a weird grimace and it makes Jeonghan laugh. But it doesn't last very long, because Soonyoung arrives with Seungcheol and he waves at them. "Dude, let's go before Junhui hunts down all the boys and girls.", he shouts hurriedly and drags Seungcheol to the stairs. "Well, I gotta go.", Wonwoo says and Jeonghan helps him standing up. He looks so amused by Wonwoo's drunk behavior and he has really beautiful eyes and-

" **Dude!** ", Soonyoung screams. "Thanks for...everything?" Wonwoo grins and Jeonghan returns it. "No problem, it was fun. See you again?"

"Maybe?"

They laugh and Wonwoo climbs up the stairs to get to his friends.


	2. Chapter 2

He is surprised that he doesn't have a hangover from yesterday, but he thinks he might die when a long-drawn moan cuts through the silence in the house. "I fucking can't believe it.", Soonyoung groans annoyed. "I hope Hansol dies from lack of oxygen or something...", Wonwoo mumbles and he's so tired, he could even sleep on the stairs comfortably.

His best friend slams his fist into the wall. " **Guys** , stop acting like fucking animals and go back to sleep!", he shouts, his morning-voice cracks and it's too loud for Wonwoo. A string of moans follows and Mingyu groans and _finally_ silence settles over the house again.

At half past one Wonwoo decides to get himself some breakfast. He greets Junhui, who enjoys a coffee and a bowl of cornflakes. Wonwoo gets himself the exact same thing and when Soonyoung joins them they move to the back of the house, ignoring a still sleeping Seungcheol on the couch, because he was too wasted to get up the stairs to his and Junhui's bedroom. They smoke and let the sun burn down on them, all of them just clad in boxers. "Someone told me there's another party today, some blocks away.", Soonyoung says.

Junhui hums and blows his smoke in the air. Wonwoo tries to ignore the statement, but he knows he automatically lost since the others will drag him along and he really _hates_ spring break. Soonyoung steals his cigarette and finishes it. "You guys want to try surfing? My aunt still has my cousins' surfboards in the garage.", he suggests and Wonwoo shrugs. "Why not?"

"Looks like the waves are pretty good today.", Junhui says and throws his bud in the ash tray. They get back in the house to change clothes, greet Mingyu and Hansol in the kitchen.

 

Wonwoo loves the beach.

He loves it when Soonyoung's aunt lends them the house and he always promises himself to buy a beach house in the future. "Be careful when you get more in the deeper area, the waves are unforgiving!", Soonyoung says as he zips up his professional suit for surfing. Actually Soonyoung is the only one who _can_ surf, he just tries to teach it to the others. That's why Wonwoo and Junhui have dedicated shirts, which they can ruin, just for surfing.

The blonde boy observes the waves and looks around. "The waves over there look better, let's go more to this side.", he says and Wonwoo has a hard time carrying his surfboard, because these things are fucking huge and heavy. Soonyoung is the first to go into the water, settles on his surfboard and starts swimming. Junhui and Wonwoo follow suit, hissing at the harsh coldness of the water (because Soonyoung wears his suit, it's not fucking fair!). They try to remember what Soonyoung taught them the last time. Junhui is able to survive some waves, Wonwoo feels like he messes up every time and he must look like an idiot. He keeps on trying and surprisingly succeeds after some dramatic falls and he looks out for his friends.

Soonyoung always looks good on the surfboard, he's that kind of beach boy you always imagine... like... the Korean version of it. He glides over the waves and does tricks as if it was _nothing_ and he smiles and laughs, sometimes he jumps off the board just on purpose. They decide to take a break, sit on their surfboards and paddle back to the beach. Some people gathered there to enjoy the sun, a couple of them have surfboards and are about to get into the waves.

It's when Wonwoo stands and walks the rest through the water that he sees a familiar face. Jeonghan seems to recognize him as well, smiles and gives him a small wave. He waves back and then the other surfers come up to them to ask how the waves are. Soonyoung explains where it's the best and Wonwoo walks over to where Jeonghan sits. His long hair is pulled in a bun and he wears shorts and a top. "Well, hello there, Jeon Wonwoo.", the boy greets him and he grins brightly. "Hi. What's up?", the other asks smiling. "Not much. Saw you surfing, you're pretty good."

Wonwoo laughs dryly.

"I suck, obviously.", he says.

"No, you don't.", Jeonghan assures. "You're definitely better than me."

Wonwoo wrings out his soaked shirt. "You surf often?", he asks. "I did. Stopped when I once broke my arm while surfing, my parents didn't want me to die out there.", Jeonghan says. Junhui comes up to them and pats Wonwoo on the shoulder to tell him they go home. "See you!" Wonwoo waves him goodbye and walks to their house with the other two boys. "Who's that?", Soonyoung asks as curious as always. "Yun Jeonghan. Met him yesterday at the party, had some nice talk.", he explains and Junhui wiggles with his eyebrows. "He's pretty."

"Shut up."

 

Mingyu and Hansol were able to wake up Seungcheol and are out in the water when they arrive. "How was surfing?", Mingyu shouts. "Great, this time Wonwoo didn't look like a complete loser!", Soonyoung replies and laughs when his friend punches him. Seungcheol was done showering and he looks great for someone who got _fucking_ _wasted_ the night before and slept for half the day. Wonwoo expected him to look like shit.

When the eldest hears about the party his eyes light up and he skips out to the shore happily. Hansol is overly excited, because yesterday he wasn't able to get some weed with Mingyu. Wonwoo sighs heavily, changes in a pair of short jeans and a black shirt when they leave for the party.

 

This time he sticks to Mingyu and Hansol, getting themselves a shit ton of alcohol and they do stupid drinking games in a group of twenty people. He doesn't feel drunk enough and decides to search for the room "dedicated for giving out marijuana". "Just...get up the stairs and...", a girl slurs and she isn't able to complete her sentence, so Wonwoo heads for the staircase. But before he can make his way up he sees long grayish-blond hair, a pretty face and a camouflage shirt and it's fucking beautiful Jeonghan, who laughs loud while he holds his drink.

He shoves some people out of his way and then the other one sees him as well and grins. "Long time no see.", he giggles and Wonwoo playfully punches him in the side. "Yo, who your friend?", a boy next to Jeonghan asks. "Ah, this is Wonwoo. Wonwoo, these dumbasses are Seojun and Yuhwan.", he says and they nod towards each other. "Who you call dumbass, man? I'm a great guy!", Yuhwan shouts over the obnoxiously loud music. "Come on, Seojun-ah. I need another drink." He drags the other boy over to the kitchen.

"Nice friends you have there.", Wonwoo says and a smile stretches over Jeonghan's lips. "Thanks, they're friendlier when they're sober.", he says and downs his drink completely in one go. Wonwoo is impressed. He points at the stairs. "I'm getting some weed. Want to try now?", he asks and the other nods. "As long as I'm not dying from it.", he jokes and the search for the mentioned room began. There's a bunch of people hanging around there and Wonwoo sees bags of white stuff and his eyes go wide. "What should it be?", asks a boy from the floor, who rolls some joints. "Two joints.", Wonwoo requests and the boy hands him two finished joints. "Something else? We just got-"

"No, thanks." Wonwoo immediately grabs Jeonghan's arm and drags him out of the room. "Let's go somewhere more quiet. I don't like smoking around many people.", he says. They snatch themselves two bottles of vodka and whatever the other stuff is and go room hunting again.

Jeonghan follows him quietly and they finally find an unoccupied room. It has a small balcony facing the backyard of the house and they can see people jumping into the pool. The music isn't that loud and they sit down leaning against the railing.

Wonwoo pulls out his lighter from his pocket and holds up a joint. "Let's share since it's your first time.", he says and Jeonghan agrees. "How old are you, by the way?", he asks. "22."

"Sounds like that stupid Taylor Swift song."

Jeonghan laughs and it makes Wonwoo melt in the right places.

"I fucking _love_ Taylor Swift.", Wonwoo admits and he lights the joint. "I'm 21. So you're my hyung." The older one nods and takes a swig from the vodka bottle. "So, how does that shit work?", he asks pointing at the joint. "Just inhale deeply. You ever smoked a cigarette?"

"Just a couple of times." After Wonwoo starts he takes it and holds it between his lips. The way he breathes it in and blows out the smoke fascinates Wonwoo and he is reminded of _someone_ , so he takes the bottle and gulps down a good amount of alcohol.

They share the joint and talk about anything. Wonwoo tells him about his stupid friends. "Actually I'm a bit jealous of Mingyu and Hansol.", he admits. Jeonghan smiles. "Why?"

"You haven't seen them. They're seriously sex on legs, especially Hansol. He's half Korean, half American and holy shit-" They start laughing and Jeonghan passes him the joint. "I don't think you need to be jealous. One day you'll meet that special one as well.", he says staring into nowhere. "Yeah, sure. Very poetic."

"Why so sarcastic?"

Wonwoo bites his lip. He really shouldn't talk about this. So he inhales the drug again and passes it to the older one. "That guy sucks.", he says instead. "What guy?", Jeonghan asks. "The one, who gave us the joints. He wanted to give us that other shit as well."

"So what?"

"I don't do that. It's too dangerous." He lets his head fall back against the railing. "A guy from my class died from doing that shit at a party.", he tells. Jeonghan doesn't say anything, just nods and finishes the joint. "Sometimes we gotta learn lessons the hard way.", the younger one says. "Now _you're_ getting all poetic." Even though it's not really funny they have to laugh, effects from the joint slowly creeping up.

They put the other joint aside and try to empty one of the bottles. "I lived here, you know?", Jeonghan suddenly says and Wonwoo looks at him. "Really? Nice, man, I like this town. I like the beach.", he says, but the older shakes his head. "I _wanted_ to move away."

"Why?"

"It's a long story..."

Wonwoo holds his hands up. "I got time and I'm an excellent listener. I won't tell anybody, I swear.", he promises and the older sighs. "I'm gay.", he whispers.

"Same." Jeonghan isn't able to hide his surprise, even gasps and the younger laughs whole-heartedly. "Seriously, man! I'm fucking gay, I'm into boys." Jeonghan nods, then proceeds on talking. "Well...it's not easy. There is that person I hung out with."

"That one you were talking about yesterday?"

"Yeah..."

Jeonghan sighs, then takes another big swig from the bottle and coughs. "I loved him. I really loved him. He was one fine boy and we were really good friends."

"Did you tell him?"

"Yes. Biggest mistake in my whole life." Jeonghan slides his fingers through his hair. "It was in second year of high school and we went home, his house is the first on the way, so before he went in... I pulled him aside and told him. He knew that I'm gay and he was okay with that and..."

He stops to drink again, Wonwoo takes the bottle and downs the last bit of it. "And?"

"We kissed." Jeonghan opened the other bottle. "We hid the relationship from his parents, but... his father... he saw us."

Wonwoo raises one eyebrow. "You need to know... he's also Korean and from a very religious and traditional family, all catholic and prude and shit. He once told me that I'm the forbidden fruit he tasted from and it excites him and- his father saw us kissing at the beach."

The younger one inhales sharply, tries to concentrate on Jeonghan's words, the drugs making it hard for him to listen properly. "So he doesn't like gays?"

"He _hates_ gays. But what he did was more than hatred." Jeonghan sounds so tired and pulled together at the same time. "He fucking _hit_ him. If he hit me, I would've been okay with that. But he beat the living shit out of his own son whenever we met. I couldn't stand it, he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, because he feared his fucking father more than he loved me." Wonwoo feels sad hearing that and they way Jeonghan looks up reminds him of _someone_ again. He wants to drown that memory in the ocean forever.

"His father told the principle that I raped him, which is obviously a lie and soon half of our neighborhood was against me and my family, I wanted to move out so badly. Because of me my parents had to get new jobs and I had to move schools, of course. Since then I never heard anything from Jisoo, but I'm sure he's going to marry a pretty, catholic girl from his stupid church."

Wonwoo sighed and took a sip from the bottle, holding up the joint. "I think, we really need that one as well, don't we?"

"Hell, yes." Jeonghan takes the joint and the other lights it for him. "We're both pretty fucked.", he says and the older looks at him confused. "So, that Jisoo you were talking about...he's the reason why you hate spring break? Does this make you remember him?"

"Sadly...yes."

"Well, the reason why _I_ hate spring break is a bit similar..." Out of nowhere Wonwoo decides to share his story, must be the drugs and the fact that Jeonghan just told his horrible story, he thinks it's fair to tell his reason as well. He gets the joint and takes two strong inhales before he starts telling. "There was this boy in my clique, name's Jihoon. And all of our friends told me that it was clear we would end up together from the very first second we met. They were fucking right." They both sigh, each drinking and smoking.

"He's very short and cute and his personality made mine a bit better, because I was some stupid fucker, who got in trouble a lot. So... there was this party and when we arrived they thought Jihoon was a middle school kid or some shit and no matter what we said they didn't believe us. It came around and people called me a pedophile, also called Jihoon a "kinky little shit" for "liking old men". And then..." He grabs the joint inhaling quickly and it makes him dizzy, the memories blurry, but the words still come out and his voice shakes.

"He got raped."

Jeonghan spits out the alcohol he just had in his mouth. "What?!"

"A teacher heard of it and he believed the rumors, so he told Jihoon to stay behind after class with a lame excuse and after everyone was gone...he... I hate that fucking man so much. He's in jail now... but Jihoon was moved into a psychological hospital in Seattle. His parents told me to fuck off, because it was all my fault."

"It's not your fault."

"I couldn't protect my boyfriend." Wonwoo wants to throw up, but he doesn't. He just wants to, as if all the hard feelings would get out of him then. "It's not your fault.", Jeonghan repeats. "It's actually a very brave thing that you were still with him when the rumors arose. You must've really loved him."

"I did."

"Do you still love him?"

"Don't know... I guess no... It's not like he was a bad boyfriend, he's just not-"

" _Here?_ "

Wonwoo nods. His head hits the railing, but he doesn't care being too drugged. "I hate spring break, because we went to all the parties and it was great. And now I'm just coming around to get wasted and to forget it all.", he says. Jeonghan bobs his head. "We went through some tough shit.", he concludes. "Yes, we did."

The silence between them becomes very comfortable, they finish the joint and Wonwoo really doesn't care when he tosses it backwards over the railing. Not his house, not his mess. "Tell me about that surfer friend of yours. He seemed nice at the beach.", Jeonghan suggests to lighten the mood and Wonwoo laughs stupidly. "He's my best friend since elementary school... his family is obviously fucking rich, because his aunt owns the house at the beach and we go there every spring break and summer vacancy. He's that typical beach boy without that groovy shit and he makes the best pancakes in the whole freaking world. Oh, and he might not look like it, but he's really gay. Never had a boyfriend, but always looking for good boyfriend material."

Jeonghan laughs and he empties the last bottle, hiccupping after it and Wonwoo has to pat him on the back to make it stop. "Cute.", is the first word he says. "I want to try his pancakes." Wonwoo laughs like crazy and the older joins him. "And that Junhui you were talking about before?"

"Oh my god, don't come near to him, he's going to jump at you. He's that kind of person everyone had sex with, he's bi and uses it like a superpower.", Wonwoo slurs.

"So you guys also fucked with him?"

"Never ever would I touch him down there." Wonwoo grimaces. "Disgusting. One time he fucked three people at **one** party. How's that even _possible_?!"

"Must have great stamina."

"Don't tempt him. He's like a hunter when it comes to pretty boys."

"You think I'm pretty?"

Shit.

_Shit._

_Holy fucking shit._

"I guess." Wonwoo shrugs and it earns him an amused face. "Thanks. You're also very handsome.", he compliments back and they grin like idiots at each other. "Wanna make out?", the younger suddenly asks and Jeonghan pulls up his legs. "Nah, I'm not that kind of person."

"Then what kind of person are you?"

"A complicated one."

"Same here." Jeonghan smiles. "Were you able to let go of Jihoon?", he asks and Wonwoo hold his head. That hurt like a bitch, in his head _and_ heart. "Not completely.", he admits. "That's why I hate spring break. What...about your Jisoo?"

The older feels a bit dizzy and leans back again. "What do you think why I'm here for spring break?"

"Because you can't let go."

"Damn right. I hate this town. I hate spring break."

He sighs and out of nowhere Wonwoo grabs his hand. "What are you doing?", he slurs. "Holding your hand.", is his answer.

"Why?"

"Because you seem to be the only person in this world, who knows what it's like."

They sit like that for some time and then Wonwoo starts laughing again, the drugs now completely in his system, Jeonghan follows soon after and they run through the room, tossing pillows at each other, acting like crazy kids.

That is until a wasted Mingyu storms in the room and Hansol is right behind him and he wears no shirt. "I GOT THE HOLY GRAYL!", Mingyu screams and he gets rid of his shirt as well and the older ones look at him all confused. "Oh my god, Mingyu, that's a fucking cup.", Wonwoo says and Jeonghan falls over from laughing too hard.

"FREEDOM!", Hansol shouts and he is about to unzip his pants, but Mingyu shoves the cup in his face and forces him to down the drink.

"I'm pretty sure they're going to fuck soon, so let's get out of here.", Wonwoo says, pulls the older by the wrist and the loud music fills the house again. They meet Seungcheol, who gives them shots and Wonwoo isn't able to count the drinks he already consumed, still drinks and he dances very close to Jeonghan, who can't stop laughing and smiling.

At some point he wonders where Soonyoung is, but he forgets it when his cup is filled up by Jeonghan with some disgusting looking blue stuff. They move to the backyard, both tripping over their own feet and settle down on a bench. Jeonghan starts feeling sick and Wonwoo's gag reflex kicks in when Hansol appears on the balcony they sat before, just clad in his boxers and screams "I JUST HAD SEX WITH MY HOT BOYFRIEND!" and the people in the garden cheer on him, whistling and shouting. And then Jeonghan throws up.

Wonwoo grabs his long hair to hold it back and he rubs the elder's back to assure him everything's okay. When a hand grips at his thigh he can't hold it back and has to throw up as well. "Best impression ever.", Jeonghan mumbles when he is done himself. "Sorry."

"Man, I feel like shit as well, but it's great to share it at least.", Wonwoo laughs, still drugged. "Yeah, same."

Wonwoo has to throw up again one time, but when he finishes they wait for some minutes to get up and get to a bathroom. It actually takes them twenty minutes until they feel well enough to stand up on their own. After finding an unoccupied bathroom they wash up and Wonwoo feels so good already and Jeonghan looks like a fucking angel when he dries his face with a towel. "I really would like to ask you to make out now, but I just puked and it's not very sexy."

"Still wouldn't say yes, even if you and I were completely clean.", the older laughs. "I think I should go home."

"Yeah, me too. Just gotta get the fuckboys out of the room.", Wonwoo says pointing up the stairs. "Well, good luck then. See you again?"

"I hope so."

Jeonghan sticks his tongue out before he disappears in the crowd. "Cute.", Wonwoo mumbles smiling and he heavily climbs up the stairs.

Mingyu is naked and Wonwoo is traumatized for the rest of his life, because Hansol sits in his boyfriend's lap and acts like an airplane. "How much did you _smoke and drink_?!", he screams while shielding his eyes.

"One...or two...ponies.", Mingyu says grinning. "Shut the fuck up and get dressed. Where's Soonyoung and the rest of our idiotic group?"

"Don't know.", Hansol slurs and the older one has to help the both of them to dress up again. "I hate you so much.", he hisses at Mingyu when the younger bites his arm.

"You love me.", he laughs.

"I hope you'll fall down the stairs and I won't help you up, you giant dumbass."

"Aw, come on, hyung!", Hansol pouts and Wonwoo has to take them by the hand to lead them out of the house. They find a drunk Seungcheol in the front yard, balancing a shot glass on the back of his hand while all the other drunk people around are amazed by it.

"Hyung, let's go home.", Wonwoo says and kicks him in the butt. Seungcheol immediately follows them like a lost puppy, he has the keys and Wonwoo opens the door of their house.

He doesn't remember how he got in bed or how he was even able to undress to his boxers.


	3. Chapter 3

The hangover next day hits him hard like a train and it fucking _hurts like a bitch_. He feels a half naked Soonyoung next to him, but doesn't wake him up. Everyone else seems to be asleep, so he makes himself a tea, takes a painkiller and he's just so happy that he doesn't feel sick.

He sits outside in the shadow of the house, it's eleven in the morning, that's very early for him at spring break. But he enjoys the fresh air, breathes in and out evenly.

After a while he feels well enough to get himself a cigarette and he hears water running upstairs. Someone must be showering.

The cigarette calms him even more and he thinks about the night, still remembering nearly everything. Especially _someone_. The image of Jeonghan's smile is burned in his memory and the way he laughs and how he took the marijuana like a pro. The way his hair felt like when he held it back for him. "Oh my god.", he mumbles and facepalms himself, remembering how he asked Jeonghan two times to make out with him. The older seems too pure and too honest to make out with someone he met two days ago and barely knows.

He hears the glass door opening and being shut behind himself, but he doesn't turn around to look who is coming. Soonyoung sits down next to him in the sand, he looks like shit even though he just showered, his wet, blond hair hanging down. He rubs his face and groans. "Got wasted as well?", Wonwoo asks and his best friend shushes him.

"I feel like dying. I think, I'll drown myself."

"Hey, don't throw trash into the ocean.", the other jokes, but he gets no response. "What happened to you yesterday?"

"What happened to _you_?"

"I got high with Jeonghan hyung in the room Mingyu and Hansol fucked at afterwards. I was searching for you, but couldn't find you."

"At least _someone_ had a great night...", Soonyoung grumbles and grabs his head. "Did you get the D?" Wonwoo lets out a small laugh. "No, we didn't even kiss. He's not like that."

"Too bad. He seems to be your type."

"Shut up."

Soonyoung is able to grin a bit, but his headache is too strong and he groans again. "So, what happened?", his friend asks and pulls at his cigarette.

"I'm so fucked, man."

"Seems like it, sounds like it."

"I was so wasted, I can't believe it. I'm so stupid."

"Dude, come on. No more of this shit, tell me what happened." Wonwoo is about to roll his eyes, but then Soonyoung opens his mouth.

"I did it last night."

He nearly drops his cigarette, mouth hung low. "You... wait, you-"

"I fucked, yes. And I fucked up."

"Why? Was it so bad? Or that you won't see him again?"

Soonyoung bites his lip and he looks like he's about to cry. "That's not it.", he mumbles and when a tear escapes his eyes Wonwoo puts his cigarette out in the sand and hugs his best friend. "What's wrong? Besides that you lost your virginity to someone at a party?"

He mentally slaps himself for mentioning that. Such a great friend he is...

"It's not just someone! I fucking hate myself!"

"Who is it?!" Wonwoo's eyes widen when Soonyoung says the name he never wanted to hear when it comes to Soonyoungs V-card. "I had sex with Junhui!"

He doesn't even know how to react properly, so he doesn't say anything, just hugs him tighter. The other starts crying and he can't stop it. "What have I done? I'm so dumb."

"You were wasted. And I guess, he was, too."

"But this shouldn't have happened!" Wonwoo drags his hand through Soonyoung's wet hair and tries to calm him down. The silence between them hangs heavy, but he lets Soonyoung bathe in his caressing hands and soothing words. Because he knows. He knows that his best friend has no chance of avoiding Junhui, has to be one of Junhui's countless one night stands, will always feel the guilt and regret. And in some ways it hurts Wonwoo, too.

The sound of the waves washes out Soonyoung's sobs and it calms him down a bit. "What should I do now?", he whispers and Wonwoo has no idea what to tell him. He feels horrible for not having an answer, because normally he would say "Shit happens. Get up and kick fate in the ass.", but this isn't just a bad hangover or a failed test. This is something that could endanger the situation of their clique and they both know that.

"Just...talk to him...I guess?", is all Wonwoo can offer, but hey, it's better than nothing. The other presses his face in Wonwoo's shoulder and sniffs. "I don't know how to do that.", he mumbles. "There will be a way." Wonwoo pats his head and at this moment he realizes that his headache is gone and the sickness in his stomach is over. He feels better, but bad at the same time, because his best friend suffers. "How much can you remember?", he asks.

"Too much."

"Was it good, though?" Soonyoung immediately shoots up and glares at him. "Fuck you. Is that everything you want to know?! I feel like shit and you ask _if it was good_?" He shakes his head in disbelief and Wonwoo slowly holds up his hands. "Sorry, sensitive topic... but... hey, at least it's someone you know? And if it was good... it could've been worse, couldn't it?", he tries and suddenly Soonyoung stops. "Just...try to think positive, you know?", he says smiling at his best friend, who groans again. "But that doesn't make me someone special on his list."

"You don't know that." Wonwoo smiles and rubs his friend's back. "Do you _want_ to be someone special to him?" Soonyoung doesn't look at him. "No...yes...I don't know. I would feel like a cheap person if I were just another number, but if I _am_ special, what does that make me... or **us**?", he whispers. "The only way to find it out is talking to him, unfortunately.", Wonwoo says. "I'm sorry that I can't help you much with this."

"'s alright, I mean...at least you try to cheer me up. I appreciate it, I wouldn't want Mingyu to comfort me. He always becomes that clingy teddy bear and pampers me." His best friend gives him a small smile. "Sometimes he's better than me at comforting others.", Wonwoo admits laughing. "You're honest, I need honesty now, not sugar-coated words.", the other says.

They look at the ocean and it's so nice, Wonwoo would never want to leave this place now. For him it could always be like this. "I like it. They way how us three function together as a team, Mingyu, you and me.", Soonyoung says smiling. It has always been the three of them. First Wonwoo and Soonyoung decided to start a forever lasting friendship in elementary school, they were inseparable and their parents were always annoyed about them never wanting to leave the other. In middle school Mingyu joined them, he was kind of awkward, but his funny side soon came out after spending time with them. For Wonwoo it is natural to be with them, they are like brothers, who can talk about everything.

"Is it alright if I go showering now? I must smell like an alcoholic and a hippie at the same time."

"Yeah, you should."

"You won't commit suicide?"

Soonyoung laughs. "If I do, then you have to separate the horny boys on the backseat on the way home.", he says. "Oh my god, don't remind me. I hope, Seungcheol hyung drives home, too... I hate this car so much, I hope it dies soon after we get home and Mingyu gets a better one."

"Oh, don't be so harsh! The car belongs to so many memories!"

"You mean...how I puked in it after our first house party? How we had to push it from our apartment to the next gas station, because it leaked? And I don't want to know how often Mingyu and Hansol fucked on the backseat..." He grins when Wonwoo sighs. "Don't tell me you wouldn't fuck your boyfriend in the backseat of your car.", he laughs.

"If I _had_ either of these, I _would_.", Wonwoo admits, but he becomes bitter when Soonyoung gives him _the look_. "I'm sorry about what happened to you."

"Don't. It's..."

"It's been nearly four years now." Soonyoung looks down. "Sorry for digging it up..."

"I still remember it.", the other says and his expression is blank, the words even. "I still remember what he looked like when I held him in my arms. He cried."

"Wonwoo, it's n-"

"And you know what's the worst about it?" They look each other in the eyes and Soonyoung sees the hollowness behind Wonwoo's dark orbs. "I can't remember him smiling. I always see him crying. I don't know anymore what he looked like when he smiled at me. All I can think about is that horrible feeling, how he nearly tore my shirt while crying and screaming, how his parents told me it was my fault that their son has been raped."

"It's not your fault."

Wonwoo remembers Jeonghan's words. He said the exact same thing and he knew it wasn't his fault.

"Maybe I _want_ it to be my fault.", he whispers.

Soonyoung grips his arm so hard it hurts. "Why would you ever _want_ that?!", he asks very loud for someone who has a bad hangover.

"Maybe then I wouldn't ask myself why I feel so guilty..." His words are so quiet, they nearly get lost in the sounds of the waves. The other loosens up his grip around his arm, but he still holds him. "Don't say that. At some point you have to get over it, try to finish it."

"I don't know how to do that." Wonwoo feels so helpless and the only thing he can think about is how much he needs a drink now. And Jeonghan.

_Wait, what._

Jeonghan's story comes to his mind. Maybe he knows what to do.

"Is there another party today?", he asks. Soonyoung looks at him all confused since he doesn't know what Wonwoo thinks of. "Um...don't know. But I don't think I want to party tonight...", he mumbles and groans again. "You alright?", he asks. Wonwoo nods. "I feel better now. How about you?"

"Not much, but better than before, thanks. Now, you go showering and I'm getting myself something to eat since I don't need to throw up yet."

 

Wonwoo finds out from Junhui that there will be a party in the same street. He doesn't talk to him about Soonyoung, leaves it to them to discuss their...whatever this is. When he gets out of the shower his mood immediately lights up, because he realizes that Hansol and Mingyu are still in bed, their door closed. Seungcheol is downstairs eating breakfast with Junhui.

He dresses quickly and stands in front of his friends' room. Within a second he swings the door completely open and screams "Good morning, guys! Rise and shine!". Mingyu groans, turns over and pulls Hansol closer. The younger yawns and squints whining. "Aw, a bit grumpy, are we?", Wonwoo coos and he gets some annoyed sounds from the bed. He stalks over to the window and rips the curtains open. "It's such a nice weather, you won't have anything from it when you lay in bed all day!", he chirps. A pillow flies in his direction, but he dodges it. "Get out.", Mingyu grumbles. Hansol makes a whining sound again.

"Come on, guys!" The elder keeps smiling and still stands in front of their bed, waiting for them to get up. Hansol tries to untangle their limbs, but it seems impossible, because Mingyu clings harder to him. He sighs, kisses his boyfriend on the lips, but grimaces. Mingyu probably smells and tastes like vodka and weed. So does Hansol.

And then his eyes widen, he rips himself from Mingyus grip and stumbles to the bathroom. Wonwoo follows him and right when he enters the room Hansol throws up into the toilet. He hears footsteps and Mingyu sits down next to his boyfriend, rubbing his back. "It's alri-" It comes out surprisingly and Wonwoo stands still for two seconds until he gets a bucket for Mingyu to puke in.

He shouldn't be amused, but it looks kind of funny to him how the couple sits on the ground throwing up nearly at the same time. Mingyu just dry-heaves, but Hansol is still losing the contents of his stomach. Wonwoo calls for Seungcheol to get younger ones some water. The youngest mumbles something incomprehensible and he grabs Mingyu's hand.

Soonyoung comes up to look for them, too. He even brushes Hansol's teeth, who seems so done with the world for now. Meanwhile Mingyu showers, assures Soonyoung they're okay when he gets Hansol undressed and under the shower with him.

Wonwoo snorts. And the award for Best Couple Of The Year goes to Mingyu and Hansol.

He thinks of it as his revenge after he had to take care of these crazy children and he will never forget the picture of Hansol sitting in Mingyu's naked la-

They all sit down in the living room, sipping cold drinks, for Mingyu and Hansol just water and some pills. Soonyoung sits next to Wonwoo, far away from Junhui and his best friend feels the tension from his place. Seems like they haven't talked yet. "Junhui told me there's a party today. I'm in, what about you?", Wonwoo asks and they all stare at him as if he grew a third ear. " _You_ **want** to go to a party?", Seungcheol asks again and the younger nods. "Oh my god, thank the Lord, you're normal again! Hell yeah, let's get wasted!", he says happily and a bit too loud, because Hansol grimaces. "I'm also in." Junhui raises a hand grinning and Soonyoung tenses up even more by that. His hand shoots in the air when he's fast at replying. "Me too." Wonwoo hears the tone in his voice and it's definitely not a good sign...

Hansol and Mingyu let their decision depend on how fast they recover from the hangover. Normally the others would be worried, because after puking out half of your stomach you really shouldn't go drinking and smoking at the same day, but they can't stop them anyways at spring break, so they just make sure that nobody gets in _real_ danger and has to go to the hospital.

 

Time flies by pretty fast and Wonwoo changes his clothes, this time a dark red shirt and black shorts, he's even in the mood to style his hair. Soonyoung on the other hand pulls at his clothes like a frustrated high school girl, who can't decide what to wear for the day. "Just go with the blue one.", Wonwoo recommends pointing at the shirt. He sighs while changing and Wonwoo really doesn't want to be too curious, but he can't keep his mouth shut.

"So, did you guys talk already?", he asks while quickly checking his phone. "No." Soonyoung grabs his perfume. "But I plan to."

"Please...just...don't get overboard with it. You know how Junhui is.", Wonwoo says carefully. His friend looks at him with sharp eyes. "I won't.", he promises and Wonwoo hopes he really means it.


	4. Chapter 4

He goes with Soonyoung getting a drink, but excuses himself quickly. There are so many people at the party, it's really crowded and already loud enough without the blasting music. He downs his drink in one go and puts the cup on a table, searches for someone.

Of course, it's Jeonghan.

He's about to give up, when he sees the older leaving for the beach with his friend...Seojun. Suddenly Mingyu grabs his arm. "Is it just me or did Soonyoung hyung and Junhui hyung fight or something?", he asks confused. Wonwoo raises an eyebrow. "Umm...why?"

"They're strange, we did truth or dare and Soonyoung hyung left when it was Junhui hyung's turn.", the younger explains. "Don't worry about it." Wonwoo pats his giant friend and escapes the house. Somewhere in the sand he sees Jeonghan leaning over a sitting Seojun, who dry-heaves heavily. "Is he alright?", he asks before he can even say hello.

Jeonghan turns around and smiles. "I hope so, seems like he doesn't have to throw up. Yuhwan's getting him some water and tissues. He spilled his drink.", he says. "The party just started... did he drink that much in that short time?" Wonwoo looks at Seojun disbelieving.

"It was fucking _tequila_. Pushes my gag reflex, the shit is _the worst_!", Seojun hisses angrily. Yuhwan arrives, greets Wonwoo and sits next to his friend. Jeonghan straightens up, bones cracking and he smiles again. "What's up?", he asks. Wonwoo glances at Jeonghan's wardrobe: boots, light jeans and a dark green shirt.

_Ugh, green..._

"Not much. Can I talk to you?" He shrugs and Jeonghan looks back to his friends. "It's okay, I got this.", Yuhwan says and waves them off. They sit down on the set of swings nearby the house. "I wanted to ask you if there's a way.", he starts, the older utterly confused.

"A way?"

"A way to get over what happened to Jihoon and me."

Jeonghan closes his mouth, looks down to his hands. The younger stares at him expectantly. "I'm sorry...", the other whispers. "But I don't know how to do that. I mean...look at me, after all what happened I still come here for spring break."

Wonwoo wants to scream, but looking at the elder, who looks like he might break down, brings him down to earth. "Sorry for asking. It was stupid." He kicks some sand, feels some of it getting in his shoes. "No, that's... I just don't know what to tell you when I'm no better.", Jeonghan mumbles. "But it seems like you want to get over it. That's good."

"I need something to drink or smoke.", Wonwoo interrupts.

"What?"

"I'm not drunk enough for having this conversation." He gets up and holds out a hand for the older. "You coming with me?"

"Hell, yes."

It starts over again, them drinking and Wonwoo snatches a couple of weed brownies from the kitchen. They're at the beach again, sharing the last brownie, dipping their feet in the cold water, laughing at anything and everything.

"You wanna hear why I _really_ come back here?", Jeonghan says out of nowhere.

"Alright, tell me."

He sighs turning around and they face the lights of the town shining high into the sky. "I'm really stupid.", he says. "Because I always come back, hoping that I meet Jisoo. Hoping he changed his mind about us, hoping he's free from his religious family, hoping he can be himself now. Hoping that we can be...", he whispers. Wonwoo feels a hand gripping his and he does nothing against it. "You're not stupid.", he says.

"Why? I'm asking for something impossible and I act like I don't care about him anymore."

"No, you don't." Jeonghan slowly brings his gaze towards the younger. "You partially don't care, because if you really did... you would've already called him or came back earlier. But you know what?" Wonwoo looks at him with sad eyes.

"You did the thing I didn't do. You protected him." The water splashes behind them, wind drives up Jeonghan's hair, they hear the people at the party yelling and the music playing. "No... no, I didn't protect him. Now...he's forced to be someone he isn't. And all I did was leaving him and never coming back." Jeonghan rubs his face and the younger just stares.

"But Jisoo chose to be someone he isn't, if he's still here and plays the straight son of his family.", Wonwoo concludes. "He could've left for somewhere else."

"Sometimes it's better to pretend to be something you are not.", the other whispers.

Wonwoo thinks about this for a moment. What would've happened, if he never came out in high school? Would he still be friends with Jihoon? Would Jihoon still be with him and maybe in college-

"That's not true and you know it.", he says, his eyes trained on a house in the neighborhood. "It's always better to be honest. Even if it means to get into trouble, it's more worth it."

Jeonghan nods, squeezes his hand.

They sit in silence for a long time, enjoying each other's company.

Wonwoo is fascinated by the lights of the town, he lets go of Jeonghan's hand, grabs his shoes and gets up. "Come on, let me introduce you to some of my friends.", he suggests, holding out a hand for the other to grab. They stumble back to the house, laughing crazily while getting drinks and Seungcheol gets along with Jeonghan so fast, they look like they've known each other for years. Jeonghan admits that Mingyu and Hansol are indeed extremely handsome and he grins knowingly when the couples starts sucking each other's face.

Wonwoo looks around for Soonyoung and he spots him leaning against a wall, head bobbing to the rhythm of the music. He excuses himself from the group and goes to his best friend. "Dude, what are you doing?"

"Don' know.", Soonyoung slurs and he reeks of marijuana. He is escorted to the couch Hansol and Mingyu sit on and he slaps the couple.

The party is over too soon and Wonwoo slings one arm around Jeonghan's shoulders and they grin like idiots. "Which house are you at here?", the younger asks. "Not far from yours... I'm at number 2.", Jeonghan slurs. "See you tomorrow? There's this party at the house next to ours.", he smiles, because Wonwoo doesn't turn the invitation down and the others agree of coming as well.

What comes next is the worst part of the night. Soonyoung is knocked out by the stuff in his system and Wonwoo has to give him a piggy-ride back to their house. Junhui is also extremely drunk to the point where he can't take even one step properly and needs to be lead by Mingyu and Seungcheol. Actually all of them are wasted, but at least half of them can still walk...maybe not a straight line, but it's enough to make it home.

Wonwoo still has the strength to carry his best friend upstairs, undresses him and pulls the blanket over him. He himself stumbles to the bathroom, where Seungcheol sits on the toilet lid, exhausted and dizzy. Wonwoo decides he's not able to brush his teeth after three tries of squeezing toothpaste on his toothbrush, so he just washes his face and goes to bed as well.


	5. Chapter 5

He's lucky to be one of the few people, who don't have hangovers often after heavily drinking and smoking. His system seems to know it's spring break, he barely feels sick after all spring break parties he attended. "So, I guess I'll go surfing alone? Or is anyone with me?", he asks pouring Soonyoung and Hansol a tea. "No, I'll go with you.", Mingyu chirps happily, completely oblivious of the cold atmosphere surrounding him. Soonyoung doesn't even look in Junhui's direction, the older is his usual, sleepy self in the morning, half-lidded eyes and sipping on his coffee. "So, did you get lucky yesterday?", Seungcheol asks and elbows Junhui in the side.

Wonwoo bites his lip to prevent himself from saying something stupid. But Junhui makes it even worse when he grins brightly and says "Yes, there was this cute boy!". Seungcheol and Hansol give him an "Ooh", so does Mingyu. From the corner of his eye Wonwoo can see how tight Soonyoung grips his cup and clenches his teeth hard and it makes him angry. Because Junhui doesn't even _care_ about how bad Soonyoung feels after being used. Because it makes Soonyoung look worthless and because he's about to destroy their friendship.

They can get Hansol to go surfing with them as well and Wonwoo is happy to get into the water. Soonyoung even lends him his suit and his surfboard and tells them where the waves are the best. Mingyu has a cool moment again, where he's about to fall, but ends up doing a trick and holds himself up and the other two cheer on him. Hansol's surfing game isn't so strong, he's more the ballplayer type, but he tries to keep up with his hyungs. The eldest feels proud, because today he's unexpectedly good, gets the best waves and almost never falls.

They stay out in the water longer than they've ever done until Hansol whines about being cold and exhausted and Mingyu immediately gives in, so Wonwoo follows them, because being still a beginner and surfing alone isn't a good idea. While they paddle back to the beach he looks at the row of beach houses and he realizes that he really wants one in the future.

Maybe more in the south.

Maybe he should rather move to Hawaii or a Caribbean island. Summer all the time, what a dream.

 

Soonyoung looks even more pissed off when they leave for the party, but he tells Wonwoo they haven't spoken yet when he asks about it. "I hope it'll be alright.", the younger mumbles and they walk to the house through the sand, coming from behind the house. Jeonghan arrives a bit later, but he immediately sits down next to Wonwoo in the kitchen, Yuhwan and Seojun get themselves a seat as well and they all introduce each other.

A girl shoves two bottles of high percentage alcohol in Mingyu's hands and Seungcheol reaches for one, filling some cups and hands them out. Soonyoung gets shot glasses and they do funny drinking games. Yuhwan introduces them to a game he made up himself, where you have to do some handclapping song and it's even more fun, because they're all tipsy and mess up so often. Junhui is the first leaving them to go to the bathroom, but they all know he won't return soon. Soonyoung starts to be annoyed again, so Wonwoo asks Seungcheol to get some weed.

Seojun accompanies the eldest and the rest of them empties the next bottle of alcohol. Mingyu sneakily steals some beer from a group of girls. Wonwoo grimaces and shoves the bottle out of his face. "You k-know that I hate beer.", he grumbles. His best friend takes it back and passes it to Yuhwan, who happily sips it. Jeonghan has already half of his beer finished and he smiles. "So...so, you guys are all from Palms Dormer College?", he asks and hiccups. Soonyoung nods, Mingyu slings an arm around his boyfriend. "Yeees, preparing for uni-" He isn't able to finish his sentence, because Hansol falls into it. "University and shit. Want to get it fucking over.", he slurs. Wonwoo laughs, there is the Hansol, who acts all tough by cursing.

Jeonghan just smiles. "Yeah, same.", his friend says and he nods. And then Seungcheol and Seojun return with a nice bag of marijuana and the stuff they need. He, Soonyoung and Wonwoo roll some joints and lay them in the middle of the table. "Have you ever done headshotting?", Wonwoo asks, the three boys shake their heads.

So he lights a joint and turns to Soonyoung, who already grins in his drunk state. Wonwoo takes a deep inhale, but keeps the smoke in his mouth, forms a tunnel with one hand, holds it to Soonyoung's lips and blows the smoke in his open mouth. Jeonghan looks at them with fascinated eyes as if they just showed him the answers to the universe. They do it three more times and Wonwoo passes the joint to his best friend.

Mingyu lights himself a joint, but the way he and Hansol headshot is a bit different...mostly it ends up with them making out by passing the smoke. Jeonghan smiles when Wonwoo shares a joint with him again. And the younger has to admit that this is the first spring break party in a long time he actually enjoys. It doesn't even matter that Seojun accidentally drinks tequila again and throws up into the sand as they party outside, Seungcheol and Yuhwan taking care of him. Soonyoung is so wasted he doesn't react when Hansol steps on his foot really hard or when he spills half of his drink. Wonwoo stumbles back from the bathroom to his group, Mingyu and Jeonghan talking excitedly about basketball and then it happens.

Soonyoung is about to fall, Wonwoo's eyes widen and he hurriedly stumbles towards his best friend. Just in time he grabs his arm and looks up to Jeonghan, who holds the other arm. "He...should go...home.", Wonwoo slurs and the older nods. "I'll help you."

"N-No, let me...help.", Mingyu volunteers, not wanting to bother the older, but he declines. "'s alright.", he says smiling like stupid and Mingyu lets go, gets distracted by Hansol's drunk dancing.

 

Soonyoung mumbles incoherent stuff while they carry him through the sand to their house, but Wonwoo is certain that he hears a comment about Junhui. He pretends not to hear it, just pats Soonyoung's head. They open the door and carry him to his bed. Wonwoo is exhausted and Jeonghan pants as they stand next to the bed and stare at the unconscious boy. "Sorry for that.", the younger mumbles, runs his fingers through his black hair.

"It's okay, I've done this a lot. Seojun's a heavy drinker.", Jeonghan laughs. "Is he fine?"

"Not really... there's something he can't deal with."

"Alcohol?"

Wonwoo can't help it and laughs really hard. "Something else." He opens the door to the balcony and sits down on a chair, offering the other a seat. "He did something while being drunk and regrets it.", he says. "Did he lose his virginity...?", Jeonghan asks slowly and Wonwoo's eyes widen.

"How-"

"No offense, you said he never had a boyfriend.", the older says and leans back, because he's dizzy. "That's bad for him." Wonwoo nods. "I know it's really not the time for that, but I feel like a fluffy ball of...wool or something.", Jeonghan says grinning from one ear to the other. The other boy starts laughing, has to hold his stomach. "Good to know that the stuff works great on you!"

"My world suddenly looks green. Ugh, green..." Wonwoo makes a face, the older laughs. "You don't like green?"

"I _hate_ green."

"Why?"

"Have no reason... I just hate the color. Blue. Blue is the best."

Jeonghan nods. "My favorite color."

"Same."

They laugh again and look towards the sea. "I like the ocean, so I like blue.", Wonwoo concludes. He makes a weird gesture. "But I don't like fish."

"You're truly a complicated person.", Jeonghan says.

"You're not." Wonwoo smiles right in his face. "I don't seem to see the complicated side of yours."

"Thank you.", Jeonghan snickers and the younger doesn't know what that Thank You was for, but he accepts it and grins. "So, you changed your mind about making out with me?", he suddenly asks and it takes Jeonghan by surprise.

It takes a while until he responses, the sound of the waves in the background.

"No." He looks at Wonwoo with sad eyes.

"You're not that kind of guy, huh?"

It makes him smile again, because Wonwoo understands. "I think the party is over, because I can't leave Soonyoung here alone."

"I'll stay for a while."

"Sounds like a song.", the younger mumbles.

"I know you like Taylor Swift. What else do you like?", Jeonghan asks interested.

The other laughs hard. "Man, I'm drunk as hell, my answers might be not completely right!"

"That's alright."

They talk for two hours straight, telling each other what they like and what they hate. It's pretty nice, Wonwoo gets to know the other better and he starts to sober up little by little. He learns that Jeonghan's favorite food is lasagna, he likes R'n'B music, likes to sing, plays basketball, has a dog named "Michi" and is a single child.

It's nearly 4am, when they hear Mingyu and Hansol shouting from below. "I guess that's my cue to go home now. I bet Yuhwan and Seojun wonder if we fucked.", he laughs. Wonwoo nearly chokes on his spit, which makes the older laugh even harder.

He's about to leave, when the other stands up and grabs his shoulder. "Hey, see you tomorrow? Is there a party?"

Jeonghan smiles apologetically. "Sadly, no, not as much as I know.", he says. "Do you have a pen?" Wonwoo doesn't even question it, he just looks around and rummages through his backpack, finds an old one. The older takes his hand an scribbles down some digits. "My number. Text me.", he slurs, still a bit drunk and after Wonwoo nods he gets walked down the stairs, because Wonwoo is _such a gentleman_. In the background they hear Junhui screaming something about Hansol and Mingyu fucking on the sofa, so Jeonghan hurriedly leaves the house.

Wonwoo is way too tired to separate the boyfriends' lovemaking, he just takes a very loud Junhui and a half asleep Seungcheol to their room.

Before he goes to bed he sees the numbers on his hand, so he searches the room for his phone, finds it under Soonyoung's legs, who spreads his limbs over the whole bed. He needs three tries to unlock his phone and types the number from his hand.

When he falls asleep he feels Soonyoung clinging to his arm, he turns to his best friend and hugs him.


	6. Chapter 6

He's the only one without a hangover the next morning. Soonyoung just threw up into the toilet for about half an hour, Junhui mumbles into his breakfast, Seungcheol doesn't want to hear anything because of his throbbing head. Hansol and Mingyu are yelled at by Soonyoung for having sex on the sofa, run upstairs to get ready and join their breakfast-round.

Soonyoung slams a glass on the table and Wonwoo has never seen someone pouring water so aggressively like his best friend does now. "Painkiller.", is everything he says and the younger passes him the package of pills. The carton is half empty after Hansol and Mingyu get themselves some as well and Wonwoo wonders how often they have to go to the pharmacy to get painkillers...the workers might think they're trying to murder someone or themselves.

Since nobody is in the mood for anything they just settle in the house or at the beach in the shadow. Mingyu and Hansol sleep on a towel in the sand, Seungcheol and Junhui smoke and Soonyoung just wants to cuddle. So Wonwoo has to suffer, sitting on the cleaned sofa with Soonyoung clinging onto him, whining about how unfair life is.

"When will you guys finally talk?", Wonwoo asks a bit annoyed.

"Don't know...soon, hopefully..."

" _Hopefully._ " He rolls his eyes and gets up under his friend's protests. "I make some tea, calm your tits." Soonyoung follows him like a faithful dog, sits on a bar stool in the kitchen and watches the other boiling water. "So, what is it...that _thing_ between you and Jeonghan hyung?", he asks and Wonwoo's head jerks around too fast. "Nothing. We just hang out."

" _Sure_." Soonyoung grimaces. "And Mingyu becomes a priest next week."

"For real, there's nothing going on between us."

"I can see that he's totally your ty-"

"Shut up."

He's a bit impatient, because the tea takes too long and Soonyoung doesn't close his mouth and it's really annoying, because he says the same things he said, when Jihoon got into his view.

And Jihoon isn't the topic he wants to talk about on spring break.

Shut up.

_Shut up._

_Please, just shut up._

"You're so lame." Soonyoung pouts, takes his cup and drinks while the younger watches him. " _You're_ lame." They laugh and the tension disappears. It's natural for Wonwoo like this.

 

He texts Jeonghan later, the older immediately replying and he finds it so cute. They meet at the back of Soonyoung's aunt's house and sit down in the sand. Wonwoo smokes a cigarette while the other frees his hair from the ponytail.

It falls nicely over his shoulders and Wonwoo wonders how he mistook him for a girl, he looks even manlier with his hair untied. "How's Soonyoung?", Jeonghan asks after a while.

"Better, but he and the others take painkillers like fucking bonbons. Tomorrow we'll be out of it.", the younger says and he takes a good inhale from his cigarette.

"When you're out of it...just tell the people at the pharmacy you're bringing them for me. An old friend of mine works there, they know me there. Some of the few people, who don't hate me. You'll get it cheaper then.", Jeonghan says smiling, digs his hands in the sand.

"Really? Wow, thanks, that's pretty cool." Wonwoo looks to the horizon. "So, tell me something about your surfing career.", he jokes.

The older laughs. "Career? I wasn't really good, my other friends were better. I'm like middle class.", he explains, takes his hands out of the sand to make gestures. "And one day we went surfing and I fell from the board pretty hard... I broke my arm and I wasn't able to get my board again, neither was I able to swim, because I was dizzy and without orientation..." Wonwoo's eyes grow big. "Did you start to drown?"

"No...someone saved me..."

"Jisoo?"

Jeonghan nods slowly. "He saved me. Pulled me onto his board, freed my leg from the wire of my board, which was taken by another friend and then Jisoo swam the whole way back to the beach with me on his board." He smiles.

"But I still remember what he said. " _Everything will be alright. I'm always there for you._ ""

"Are you mad at him?", Wonwoo asks.

"Is it bad, if I say yes?", the other asks back.

"No, it's not."

"He wasn't there for me when I needed him again."

"This reminds me of Jihoon." Wonwoo leans back, blowing smoke.

Jeonghan turns to him with a serious expression on his face.

"Do you really think you could've saved Jihoon?"

"No, but it's better than knowing that I've done nothing against the rumors."

"It doesn't matter, if you mourn over the past. You can't redo it." He sighs and throws some sand forwards. Silence settles over them, but it's comfortable and Wonwoo actually enjoys the day now. After he finishes his cigarette, they walk through the water, waving Yuhwan in the distance, who goes surfing with some other boys on his heels.

"Hey.", Wonwoo says, the other turning to him and is immediately greeted by salt water. "Gotcha!", the younger laughs and flees when Jeonghan is about to catch him. He chases him and throws water at him when he's near enough. Wonwoo grins. "Very romantic, aren't we?" The other laughs really hard at this and nods.

Wonwoo feels like he knows Jeonghan already for years and it's great. The only ones he got along with so fast until now were just Soonyoung, Mingyu, Seungcheol and Jihoon.

Jihoon.

Before he can think more about it he sees Hansol jogging in their direction. "Guys, Soonyoung made pancakes. Want some?"

They look at each other and Wonwoo elbows the older in the side, grinning. "Now you can see yourself how great they are!", so he drags him all the way back to their house. Everyone gathered around the kitchen island on their stools waiting for Soonyoung handing out the food. Jeonghan smiles politely and thanks for the food.

He's more than amazed by Soonyoung's cooking and praises him, the younger grins proudly. Wonwoo is a bit disappointed when he has to go back to his house. "But you know what? I'm sure Yuhwan got an invitation for a party tomorrow.", the older says.

"That would be great. I need alcohol again!", he sighs.

After Jeonghan leaves he becomes Soonyoung's personal masseuse, because the younger doesn't stop whining and he doesn't want to deal with this in the middle of the night.

The sun starts setting and they sit on the balcony of their room smoking. "I still haven't answered your question, though.", Soonyoung suddenly says.

"What?"

"You asked if it was good."

"You don't have to answer that. If you're not comfor-"

"Even though we both were fucking wasted...it really _was_ good."

Wonwoo wants to throw up, but since Junhui had so much practice it's nothing to wonder about. "That's great...I mean-"

"Yeah." Soonyoung pulls on his cigarette. "And now I have to figure out how to handle this."

Wonwoo has no idea what to say, so he keeps his mouth shut, listens to his best friend's soft voice. The other looks at him after some time, he has his eyes closed, cigarette forgotten between his fingers. Soonyoung leans back, staring at the sunset, quietly singing "West Coast" by Lana Del Rey. It's so nostalgic, because Wonwoo loves the song and it reminds him of Jihoon. This time he lets his memories flood back in his head.

Just for once.

Just one more time looking back.

But it all ends in tears, Jihoon's desperate screaming and crying and it tears a hole in Wonwoo's heart, rips him into pieces. He opens his eyes, brings his cigarette back to his lips, blocks the memories as the last bit of the sun disappears behind the horizon, painting the ocean in a deep orange and red and it's right then when Soonyoung sings the last lines.

 

" _On the balcony and I'm singing_

_Move baby, move baby_

_I'm in love,_

_I'm in love,_

_I'm in love._ "

 

They wake up when sunlight warms up their room and it gets too stuffy beneath the sheets even just in boxers. Wonwoo pushes the blanket aside, rises to his feet and slowly makes his way to the balcony, feeling the need to smoke.

The air feels nice, it's a bit windy and he lights the cigarette.

Soonyoung joins him after groaning about how he actually wants to sleep a bit more, but once he's awake he can't sleep anymore. The younger checks his phone, a message from Jeonghan catches his attention. "Party tonight.", is all he needs to say and Soonyoung nods, snatching the last cigarette from the package. "Shit, need to get some new ones soon.", he mumbles.

Of course, the others want to go to that party as well, so Wonwoo texts Jeonghan back and gets a reply right after the other saw his message.

Cute.

Soonyoung, Wonwoo and Mingyu go surfing, the elder telling the waves today are the best ones. Wonwoo is a bit afraid, the waves are bigger and that means: even more unforgiving. They walk a bit until they are at the best area to go in for. Soonyoung points out where to surf. The other two follow him, Mingyu seems more insecure than Wonwoo, but he doesn't say anything. He sees some clouds appearing, but they're white and just a few, nothing dangerous.

Soonyoung shows his cool moves off, but the others have the time of their lives at struggling. The youngest out of them has a hard time keeping up with them, nearly always falling off. Wonwoo tries to concentrate, but he sees others at the beach waving at them. His friends wave back, smiling and riding the big wave. Wonwoo spots Jeonghan standing there and watching them.

Because he isn't looking where he goes, he feels his board shake, the wave crushing him and he's surrounded by cold water. He closes his eyes and asks himself why Jeonghan's stories come to his mind again. His foot gets tangled in the line attached to his board and it pulls at his leg, his arms flail around without orientation. A hand grabs his arm and that's when he opens his eyes again, not realizing how long he had been underwater, impressed by himself how long he can hold his breath. Soonyoung looks worried, has his arm in a firm grip, Wonwoo starts swimming upwards with him. When they're above the water again he takes a deep breath.

Fresh air floods his lungs and it's so relieving.

Mingyu is about two meters away with the boards. "Are you okay?", Soonyoung asks immediately. "I- yes." Wonwoo nods and swims towards his board. "I think it's time to head back, now. Can't risk our lives.", the eldest decides and they paddle back.

Seojun and Jeonghan walk to them. "Is everything alright?", Jeonghan asks. He looks a bit scared and he looks back to Seojun. The others realize he wears a surfing suit. "I guess, I won't go surfing today?", he asks. "Not as long as I'm responsible for you!"

"But, _hyung_.", Seojun whines and it reminds Wonwoo so much of himself and Mingyu, he's about to laugh his ass off and even Soonyoung gives him a knowing grin.

"No, that's it. You can go later or tomorrow!" They're a bit surprised over the elder's authoritarian tone, because he has such soft expressions and a soft voice. Seojun's like a child, kicking sand and walking back to their house to change. "He's so stubborn." Jeonghan rolls his eyes. "You're responsible for him?", Mingyu asks curious as always. "I have to, when Yuhwan's not around. His mother forces us, because his brother nearly died at a spring break party."

The others gape at him in shock. "He nearly **died**?"

"He jumped from a balcony in a pool while being drunk. Broke a leg and nearly drowned in the pool, if someone didn't pull him out.", Jeonghan explains. He looks at his phone. "Ah, I have to go, I'll meet an old friend from high school.", he says smiling and waves. The rest of them waves back and they walk back to the house.


	7. Chapter 7

Wonwoo shakes the package of painkillers. Only two pills are left and he looks at the others. "Has someone of you guys tried to commit suicide or what?!", he asks and arches an eyebrow when the others just shrug.

"I guess, we need to go buy some tomorrow. And cigarettes.", Soonyoung says. "Let's go now."

They head out and this time they have to walk about ten minutes, but it's worth it, because they see a mansion and drunk people at the front door. They squeeze past them and greet some people they met at parties before.

As always Junhui spots a pretty girl, targets her and goes for it. Wonwoo can see Soonyoung clenching his jaw, balling his hands into fists, so he grabs him and two clean cups. It happens so fast, they drink so much he can't even count the drinks anymore, the loud music fills his ears and they dance like there's no tomorrow. He tries to grab Soonyoung, but the older vanishes into the crowd and he stumbles to the stairs for a better view.

A hand fists in his shirt and he's pulled towards a warm body. Jeonghan smiles brightly, runs his other hand through his hair and it's so distracting for Wonwoo. "I f-found some weed.", he laughs and it's clear he's just as drunk as the younger one. "Where'd you find it?", the other asks.

"Seungcheol gave me one."

They laugh and no more words are needed, Wonwoo takes him by the hand and they slowly make their way upstairs. Just at this moment he sees Junhui disappearing in a room with the girl he saw before, he feels a lump in his throat. He doesn't know if it's an appropriate thought, but that girl should be _Soonyoung_. But who is he kidding? It's Junhui they're talking about, Wen Junhui, the playboy of their group. Jeonghan stopped his train of thoughts, pulling at his hand. "This room over there must be free!", he slurs and they stumble in.

It's a huge bedroom and it looks very elegant and _very expensive_ , but Wonwoo doesn't care and throws himself onto the bed with his shoes still on. He pats the spot next to him and Jeonghan falls onto the sheets, laughing at nothing but the color of the sheets.

"It's green."

"Fucking _disgusting_."

Wonwoo takes the joint and lights it, pulls at it, but the other pouts. "I want...to do that thing..." He nearly chokes on his spit at that comment.

"What thing?"

"What you showed us at the last party?"

"Headshotting?"

Jeonghan nods his head frantically. They sit cross-legged in front of each other, Wonwoo inhales deeply and holds the tunnel formed by his hand on the other's lips. He gets lost when he blows the smoke, because Jeonghan's lips are soft and...what would these lips feel like when they kissed? His mind is filling with thoughts he shouldn't have.

It takes quite a while for Jeonghan to do it properly, but after some time he suggests to do it the other way around. Wonwoo is more than happy, because his arm gets tired and he's dizzy from all the drugs. He sees birds fly around in the room, everything feels like cotton and hot iron at the same time and the emotions just go overboard.

He remembers Jihoon. He sees him leaning in after pulling at the joint, colorful hair falling over his beautiful, dark eyes, pink lips parting. But it all crashes when Jeonghans hand touches his lips and smoke fills his mouth. Jeonghan is too near, he can smell his cologne, feel his hand still on his lips. "Wonwoo?"

He snaps out of his thoughts, grinning. "Do you feel that?", he asks falling on his back and spreading his hands over the soft sheets. "I'm on a flower field.", Jeonghan states smiling and leans back. They laugh again, Wonwoo sits up. "Tomorrow I'll go buying painkillers."

"Just say you belong to me and they'll know-"

"I belong to you?"

It becomes quiet, they look at each other, but Jeonghan pouts. "You know...what I mean."

"Do I...?"

His eyes are so dark and his lips look so soft and he's really the most beautiful human Wonwoo has ever met. Jeonghan doesn't break the eye contact, just stares and he also seems so lost in his own thoughts. Slowly the younger leans forwards, his left hand resting on Jeonghan's thigh, his eyes half-lidded. He gets closer and closer, feels hot breath on his skin, the other holding his upper arms. Their lips barely touch, but it sends an electric shock through Wonwoo's whole body.

Everything stops right then, the older still holding him, but their lips don't touch anymore, their eyes completely closed and both of them bathing in the presence of the other. Jeonghan sighs. "I can't.", he whispers and lets go of him. The younger feels like he slips right from his grasp into nowhere, so he wraps a hand around one of the other's wrists.

Even though he doesn't ask why, the question hangs heavy in the air.

"I can't...because I thought of Jisoo. And I don't want to think about Jisoo, when I kiss you. But you make me remember him. Since we talked about it I can't stop thinking about him, but I don't know what to feel when I see his face in my head. I don't know if he's smiling or not. I don't know how he is right now. I don't know if he still loves me." He looks like he's about to burst in tears. Wonwoo slips his fingers between Jeonghan's.

"I can't remember Jihoon smiling. All I can think about is...how much he cried and the tears streaking down his face and his shaky voice. I don't know how he is, too. I don't know if he still loves me. But if he does...it doesn't matter, because I don't.", he whispers, pulls him into a hug. Closing his eyes he tries not to think about Jihoon, tries to concentrate on Jeonghan.

"It doesn't matter...", Jeonghan repeats quietly.

"We're like each other's therapist.", the younger jokes with a light smile after they break away. "I t-think that's good...", Jeonghan says. "Because we're the only ones...having an answer." He still smells of his cologne between the smell of alcohol and weed, it's intoxicating for Wonwoo, but he doesn't do anything. This is not the right moment.

They stand up from the bed and open the door. "I need a drink.", he mumbles and the older laughs. "Me too." But when they turn around the corner they see an angry girl walking out of the room Junhui disappeared in before. "Oh my god, you're so sick!", she screams, still trying to put on her heels. Junhui comes up to the doorframe, he wears no shirt. "Don't know what the fuck you problem is, bitch!", he says just as pissed as she is.

"How dare you calling me by a boy's name in bed?!", she shouts, flipping the middle finger and stomps downstairs. And at this moment Soonyoung comes up, looking after the girl for some seconds, but then he walks straight towards Junhui and his best friend can see that he's sober again already. He wants to go separate them, but Jeonghan holds him back. "That's their business."

Soonyoung pushes the slightly older boy and slams the door shut.

Worrying about his friend Wonwoo walks to the door to eavesdrop. "You shouldn't do that.", the older says tapping his shoulder. "I just don't want Soonyoung to get hurt...or Junhui to be murdered...", he says. Now Jeonghan comes closer as well, but the loud music makes it hard to understand what the boys are saying.

"There's nothing to say. We had sex.", Junhui says bluntly. Wonwoo feels the need to punch him in the face for that.

"You took my virginity, you asshole!", Soonyoung hisses.

"And now I should throw flowers in the air and make you breakfast every morning or what?"

"Maybe that's easy for you, but it's not for me!" He becomes louder and sounds even angrier.

But then everything stops.

"You think...it's easy for me?", Junhui asks slowly. "You think that I don't _care_ it's _me_?! That our relationship is so awkward and complicated now?"

"Yes, I think so! You wanna know why? Because you still sleep around! You're still acting like a slut!", Soonyoung shouts. Someone must have pushed the other, because Wonwoo hears a dull thud at the wall next to the door.

"It's a lie!", Junhui screams and everything becomes quiet. Wonwoo and Jeonghan both hold their breath.

"It's a lie!", Junhui repeats. "Since we had sex I didn't sleep with anyone. I just pretended...in front of everyone, because I didn't want you all to know. It wasn't my intention to make you feel...worthless. But you...you deserve better." He sounds broken and Wonwoo wonders what's going on.

"Why are you saying this? Do you expect me to believe you?"

"I don't want to ruin our friendship!"

" **But you already did!** And by the way, it's my fault as well since I was drunk, too!", Soonyoung shouts. "This conversation shouldn't even take place!"

"I love you."

"Junhui, there's- wait...what?!"

"I _love_ you. Remember when we all were at the field smoking weed? That's when I fell in love with you. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, so I went sleeping around even more, trying to forget you. I'm not what you deserve.", Junhui says and his voice is barely audible for Wonwoo. Nobody says a word for a pretty long time and then Jeonghan turns away, takes the younger by the hand. "This isn't something we should hear now.", he says and they walk down.

After quite some time Wonwoo tries to shake the thoughts of Soonyoung and Junhui out of his head, tries not to think about Jihoon when Jeonghan leans closer again, pouring him a shot and laughing at some lame jokes made by Mingyu.

Seojun and Yuhwan join them soon afterwards, both very drunk and Wonwoo thinks they're funny, because they keep completing the other's sentences and then they high-five each other claiming they're twins. Wonwoo's extremely dizzy and he has to be supported by Hansol. When they want to leave Jeonghan hugs him tight. "Thank you for not kissing me.", he whispers and before Wonwoo can say anything back he disappears with his friends.

What does he mean?

And then out of nowhere Soonyoung and Junhui are in front of him, both wearing a weak smile and it makes him sick. They don't say anything, probably waiting for tomorrow when everyone's sober. But Wonwoo is afraid of what they might say, because Soonyoung still looks a bit angry and Junhui avoids his gaze. Soonyoung helps his best friend walking home and, just as Wonwoo did before, he carries him upstairs. Wonwoo refuses to take off his shirt.

He still faintly smells Jeonghan's cologne and when they lay in bed Soonyoung wraps his arms around him. Normally the other would push him off, because it's fucking hot after a few minutes and he's not _that_ much of a cuddler, that's Mingyu's job, but he doesn't do anything. Because he's afraid of tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

He's the first to wake up the next morning, feeling way to hot in his shirt with Soonyoung hugging him loosely. Carefully he unwraps his friend's arms and gets up and stays still for any signs or sounds of the others moving around the house, but there's nothing. He goes for the shower first, enjoying the water on his skin.

The memories of last night come back, but he still doesn't regret almost kissing Jeonghan. He actually smiles absentmindedly, because... Jeonghan didn't really reject him. And then he realizes that Soonyoung is right again. Jeonghan _is_ his type. But nobody needs to know that. It's enough to admit it in his head, because whenever he sees Jeonghan's face, his smile, his hair, his eyes, his hands, his lips, he sees Jihoon again. And Jihoon never stops crying.

Wonwoo feels bad, but he doesn't know why.

For having a crush on a pretty boy?

No.

For developing feelings for a boy, who's as broken as he is.

Jihoon cries harder, so he shuts off the water, breathes heavily. When he looks into the mirror he feels better, because there's just him. No Jihoon, no Jeonghan. Just him.

After brushing his teeth he throws his clothes in the laundry basket and dresses in comfortable clothes. He wants to smoke, but realizes that they don't have cigarettes anymore. Only Seungcheol's and Junhui's are left, but he hates the brand and the strong taste. So he gets his shoes and wallet to go "grocery shopping". And by groceries he means cigarettes, painkillers and milk (because they used everything for the cereal and the pancakes, god damn it!).

The small supermarket isn't far away, just a five-minute-walk. He gets the milk and the cigarettes, even buys cookies, because he gets a craving for them whenever he sees just the carton of the brand, but he saves them for later.

Since he forgot where the pharmacy is he asks the worker at the supermarket and he wants to facepalm himself, because it's just around the corner. On the way he checks his phone, having two messages. One from Seungcheol asking if he buys milk, which he answers with no, just to annoy him. The other is from Jeonghan.

_"Just wanted to thank you again for yesterday!^^ Today's a party again at the house next to ours~ Wanna come?"_

Wonwoo grins and thinks of an inappropriate answer like "I really wanna _come_ ;)", but instead he types a normal answer. The small bell rings when he enters the pharmacy, greeting the young man behind the counter. "I need painkillers.", he says.

Wow, such a nice costumer he is.

The man smiles and asks what kind and after some explanation the man goes to the shelves behind himself to search for said package. Wonwoo looks at his phone again, because Jeonghan has answered, but the worker comes back, apologizes for not finding it and searches for the number of the product in his computer system. The small bell of the door jingles, but Wonwoo's not the type of person to turn around and look who comes. A couple comes up and stands right next to him.

The worker looks up smiling.

"Hey, guys.", he greets them and the couple waves. Wonwoo glances at them and can barely keep himself from gasping. It's the girl from yesterday. The girl Junhui was about to sleep with! And the boy next to her must be her boyfriend, because he holds her hand and his smile towards her is so soft. If he knew what his girlfriend did yesterday...

"What can I do for you?", the worker asks them kindly after he finishes typing, the system searching. The girl doesn't look up, bites her lip, so her boyfriend replies. "We would like to have a pregnancy test.", he says politely. If Wonwoo had something in his mouth, he would have spit it over the whole counter now for sure. "Wow, congratulations, guys! Just entered college and you already have all plans done for the future?", the worker jokes, he seems to be a friend of them. "The biggest question is: What will our parents think?", the girl mumbles.

When the worker is about to get them their product he looks at the computer screen and smiles at Wonwoo. "I got what you need.", he says and goes for both things. He hands him the package of pills. "I just need to know where you stay at. A name or an address. Just formal stuff, I don't even understand what's it for.", he says with an apologetic smile.

"No, it's alright. I'm with Yun Jeonghan, he's from here. But my name is Jeon Wonwoo.", Wonwoo answers. In the corner of his eye he can see the couple turning towards him, and he believes to see shock in their faces for a split second. "Yun Jeonghan?", the worker asks again. "Man, I didn't know he's here for spring break. If that's so, you'll get 20% off for the package. Can you greet him for me? Feels like forever since I saw him." Wonwoo smiles and nods. "Sure."

"But you're not from here?"

"No, but I belong to Jeonghan.", he says, only to embarrass Jeonghan a bit for making this cute mistake while talking. Next time Jeonghan comes here, he'll be showered with questions. The worker laughs, accepts the money and gives him the change.

And when Wonwoo turns around he sees something shiny around the boyfriend's neck and right at that moment the worker turns happily to the couple.

"So, how have you been, Jisoo?"

Wonwoo looks up and meets the boy's gaze. And he sees the truth behind Jisoo's brown eyes, sees the delicate figure of the boy, the neat clothes of them both, the crosses around their necks, the loose hold onto each other's hand, the pretty lies and the ugly truth. He sees a boy pretending to be something he isn't. He sees a boy lying to everyone around him, fooling everyone with his fake smile and fake personality. He sees a boy full of prejudices forced onto him. A boy, who knows what his girlfriend does behind his back, because this relationship is arranged and she's not what they want her to be, so she does it secretly. He sees a boy, who is scared. Scared of the results of this test, scared of what happens and what is going to happen.

And then Wonwoo turns and walks out of the store.

He doesn't say or do anything. Because it doesn't matter.

Because Jisoo made his decision against Jeonghan.

Because Jisoo _chose_ to be someone he isn't, even though he's an adult now.

He _chose_.

Wonwoo walks fast and he doesn't stop even once on the whole way back, huffs when he arrives and he's so angry he kicks against the wall. He feels sorry for Jeonghan, because the boy always comes back to the place he hates the most, because he can't forget.

Because he secretly wishes for a happy end he will never have.

Jisoo made his decision and Jeonghan doesn't know.

It makes him even more angry and he feels tears in his eyes...he hears Jihoon's shaking voice in his head, hears him cry so loud it hurts his ears.

And it breaks his heart. Because all he can see is Jeonghan's smile and the sound of the waves drowns Jihoon's cries.

He opens his eyes and wipes the tears, composes himself, breathes steadily for a minute and walks in their house. A small smile comes to his lips, when he hears Seungcheol crying over having no milk for his breakfast and Hansol groaning about his headache. Everything seems normal again as he enters the kitchen. Soonyoung makes tea for everyone, Junhui's spaced out, Mingyu yawns and combs through his wet hair with his fingers. He and Hansol must've showered, because they both look clean and fresh, excluding their tired faces. Wonwoo hands them the painkillers and Seungcheol nearly jumps him because of the milk.

He sits down next to Mingyu and watches the others preparing the breakfast a.k.a. cereal. Soonyoung turns around and smiles, gives Wonwoo a mug and the other mug to Junhui, who doesn't react. And as if his best friend could read his mind, Soonyoung speaks up. "Guys, I've got something to tell you." And Wonwoo feels sick, when he sees the serious expression on his friend's face. He gulps, because now Junhui turns his head.

"Something happened and I want you to know it." Wonwoo slowly looks to Mingyu, who meets his eyes and mouths a "I knew I was right!", Hansol seems pretty surprised and Seungcheol leaves his bowl on the other counter and comes up to them. "What is it?", he asks.

"Junhui and I...we were really drunk some days ago and we...had sex."

Hansol loses it first, slamming his mug down onto the counter so hard his tea splashes over the kitchen island. Mingyu's mouth falls open and he just can't close it and Seungcheol breaks out in a " **What?!** ". Wonwoo doesn't do anything since he already knows it, which Junhui notices, but he doesn't react again. Soonyoung inhales and exhales deeply. "But there's more..."

"I'm not sure, if I wanna know what that's going to be...", Hansol mumbles and Mingyu tries to shield his ears. "What- no!"Soonyoung glares at them. "Something about our...situation, okay?!" It becomes quiet again and Wonwoo sees a for help pleading look in his friend's eyes. But he doesn't know what he wants to say, so he stays still in his seat.

"And now...after yesterday-"

"After he nearly beat me to death!", Junhui notes, but gets a dirty look from everyone.

" _And now_ ", Soonyoung repeats a bit louder. "we're figuring it out."

Wonwoo holds up his hands. "Wait, wait. What do you mean by that?" Soonyoung looks to Junhui, who extends his arm and takes his hand. The others gape at them. "Meaning in "you're in a relationship"?", Hansol asks.

"Kind of?" They don't seem sure and Wonwoo has a bad feeling. "Hold on, is this something or not?", he asks pointing at the two. And now Junhui wraps his arms around the slightly younger's waist. "It means, we're about to have a relationship."

"Status: dating.", Soonyoung explains.

"I don't get it." Mingyu is about to flip his chair, so is Wonwoo. "What the fuck are you two saying?!", Wonwoo finally asks. "Alright, we're together now! But we're taking things slow, since it started off really bad.", Junhui answers and his new boyfriend nods.

"Congratulations, I guess?" Seungcheol pats them both on the back and goes back to making breakfast. Hansol still can't believe it, but his boyfriend gets up to hug the couple. "If you're happy, then I'm happy! Good for you both.", he says and it's so cheesy, Wonwoo wants to throw up. The look Soonyoung gives him is more terrified, because he is his best friend and he's the most honest out of the group and if he doesn't approve, there will definitely be problems. But Wonwoo just smiles and pulls him into a tight hug, nearly squeezing all air out of Soonyoung's lungs. It's more than just a gesture for them both, no words needed. Because it's natural for Wonwoo, they're like brothers.

He's happy that his group doesn't seem to fall apart because of this and he hopes that Junhui is serious about his feelings. Because whoever is going to break Soonyoung's heart is going to end up with an open skull.

He remembers their first time being at a gay bar. Soonyoung was being hit on by a guy, who didn't want to go away even after being told to leave. And when he grabbed Soonyoung by the arm Wonwoo punched him in the face, because _nobody_ touches his best friend against his will. They were thrown out of the bar, but they actually didn't care and decided that this wasn't the right environment, so they never got to another gay bar.

The rest of the day is pretty unspectacular. Seungcheol meets up with a friend, who goes to college in this town, Soonyoung and Junhui go surfing and Wonwoo doesn't even want to know what Mingyu and Hansol are doing, because it's definitely not something his eyes want to see or his ears want to hear. It's not good since he's alone at the beach now and nobody distracts him.

His thoughts go back to what happened this morning and it dawns him. Should he tell Jeonghan? Wonwoo has never been as scared of a question as of this, because the consequences are bad for both sides. He doesn't know how the older would react, if he told him. And this scares him as well. He's scared of seeing Jeonghan's heart breaking again, scared of seeing him actually crying. It's something that would make him cry, too.

What should he say? He can't just be like "Hey, you know what? I met your ex-boyfriend with his girlfriend. Now you know he'll never come back.", that's horrible and meaner than anything he can imagine. This is something that's actually not _his business_ , but he feels responsible. Maybe because he brought all the feelings back into both of their heads and hearts?

 

He pulls out his phone and dials Jeonghan's number. The older asks him to come over, because Yuhwan is grocery shopping and Seojun feels sick again. Their house is pretty decorated and mainly painted in pastel colors and it's really feminine. Turns out that the house is Jeonghan's grandmother's, but she goes on trips for spring break since it's so loud at that time. The boy hands Seojun a bottle of water and sends him off to his room to sleep for a while. Jeonghan's beautiful hair looks freshly washed and he wears pretty short shorts for a boy and a wifebeater and it makes Wonwoo blush slightly.

"So, what's going on?", the older asks while he washes some dishes and Wonwoo sips some soda sitting on the counter. "Junhui and Soonyoung are a couple now.", he says bluntly and the other nearly lets a plate fall back into the sink. "Really?! I thought...doesn't Soonyoung _hate_ him for what he did?", he asks. "Doesn't seem like it. They're trying now, but I wasn't able to talk to Soonyoung alone for the whole day." Wonwoo shrugs.

"Don't you guys share a room?"

"Yes, but I woke up early and went grocery shopping- by the way, the guy working at the pharmacy asked me to greet you.", he says and smiles. "Thank you. Did you get the painkillers?"

"Yeah. Thanks again for that."

Jeonghan drains the water and wipes his hands on a kitchen towel. "No problem.", he chirps, turns around to hang the towel in its place and Wonwoo _really_ does _not_ intend to stare, but the elder's behind looks _really_ good, especially in these shorts. Jeonghan bends over the other counter a bit and the younger can't see what he's doing, but then he turns to him with a piece of paper in his hand. "This", he starts. "is my address. Because I decided-" He doesn't finish his sentence, because he comes closer and closer, _too fucking close_ , puts both of his hands on either side of Wonwoo and he leans in. Their noses nearly touch and Wonwoo's heart stops.

Is this it?

Is this the moment he anticipated?

And it actually feels good, because his own hands slowly get up and fall behind Jeonghan's neck, pulling him even closer. "I thought, you're not that kind of guy?", he whispers and a small laugh escapes the elder's mouth, hot breath ghosting over Wonwoo's lips. "I'm not the kind of guy to kiss a boy I only know for some hours. Especially not when we're both wasted.", he whispers back. It's such a magical moment in the other's eyes, he normally hates things like that, but...Jeonghan's hair is so soft and his eyes are so dark and beautiful and now the tips of their noses touch and he forgets how to breathe for some seconds.

It crashes all, because when he looks into Jeonghan's wonderful eyes he sees a hint of something he doesn't expect and doesn't _want_.

It's Jisoo.

And it's not fucking fair, because Jeonghan has a right to hear what happened this morning and he deserves the truth and not to be lied at again.

So he pauses and closes his eyes. "Listen-"

"I'm home!" Yuhwan's voice cuts through his sentence and Seojun can be heard whining about how sick he feels. Like a silent agreement Wonwoo retracts his arms from the other's neck and Jeonghan acts as if he's looking for his phone. It's not like they're ashamed, there's just still that _thing_ and Wonwoo realizes that the older wants it out of his way, too. He hops off the counter and quickly slips the note in his pocket. When he's next to Jeonghan he grabs a pen and another piece of paper, scribbling down his own address.

Yuhwan just smiles at them and puts the groceries in the fridge. Arms find their way around Jeonghan's frame. "See you later.", the younger says before he goes home.

And all he can think about is how close Jeonghan is, but so far away at the same time.


	9. Chapter 9

"Do you really approve our relationship?", Soonyoung asks quietly as they change for the party. The younger sighs while looking down on the three options of shirts he has for today's party. But then he looks up and smiles. "Yeah, I mean... how does it come exactly that you both agreed on being in a relationship now? Since Junhui can't sleep around anymore now.", he says acting like he didn't hear half of their conversation at the party when Junhui confessed.

"He only did that, because he's been in love with me for a long time. Remember when we were at that field in the neighbor town?"

"Yeah."

"That's when he fell for me, those were his words! And he slept with all the people to forget me, but since we had...you know...he really didn't touch _one_ other person, he just pretended to do so.", Soonyoung mumbles. "Do you believe me...I mean, him?"

The younger thinks about it. "I think we can trust him. Or else I'm going to kick him in the nuts and he'll never be able to reproduce."

He laughs at his friend's horrified face. "It's fine, don't pee your pants. You're my best friend and I'm sure you'll know what's best for you." Looking back to his shirts he chooses the dark blue one, combs his hair and searches for his favorite sneakers.

The music is different this time, more pop and indie music reaches their ears and it's nice to have something different since the last parties were filled with electro and house music. Hansol and Mingyu are in a strange mood, going for the dance floor before even getting a drink. Seungcheol joins them, but he holds a cup with beer. Wonwoo waves Soonyoung and Junhui off when they ask him to get a drink with them.

He stands by the side, watching Mingyu and Hansol grinding against each other, but his eyes secretly search for something else.

For _someone_ else.

But instead he's being elbowed in the side by Yuhwan, who grins. "You searching for Jeonghan?", he asks and wiggles with his eyebrows. "I guess..." Wonwoo shrugs and tries to act like he doesn't care _too_ much, but Yuhwan notices and grins even brighter.

"Last time I saw him he went upstairs with Seojun." He nods and follows the hint, makes his way to the wooden stairs. Jeonghan sits against a wall in a room, his drink half empty next to him and he smiles up to him when he comes in his field of view. Seojun is nowhere to be found. "Well... hello there, Jeon Wonwoo.", the older laughs and waves.

Wonwoo quietly settles next to him, takes the cup and downs the remaining alcohol. It stings, but it's a good feeling. The cup is put somewhere onto the ground, he doesn't care much about it anymore. Silence fills the room, but it feels too loud, too full, too much of everything and Wonwoo feels like he's about to explode.

And then Jeonghan laughs. The younger looks confused in his direction. "Why is this so complicated?", Jeonghan asks. "I mean...it could be so easy, but-"

"We're not used to it, I guess."

Wonwoo shrugs.

"This is so stupid, why can't we just be...you know..."

"Ourselves?"

It becomes quiet again. "Aren't we ourselves?", the older asks slowly.

"I feel like I become an idiot, when I'm around you.", Wonwoo admits and he laughs nervously. "You're certainly not.", the other assures him.

"But I'll be one, because..." Thousands of thoughts rush through his head and Wonwoo wants to hold it, because it _hurts_ , but this is probably going to hurt even more. "Something happened today...", he mumbles. Jeonghan turns to him. "I know."

His eyes widen. " **You know?!** "

"We nearly kissed."

He doesn't know if he should be relieved or afraid now. "Not that... something else."

Jeonghan pushes himself a bit closer to him, their arms and knees touch and the electric shock from before goes through his whole body again.

"I met someone today at the pharmacy and you should... you deserve to know this."

He breathes unsteadily, because he feels Jeonghan tensing up a bit.

"I met Jisoo."

Silence.

Wonwoo takes it as a clue to go on. "He was...with...his girlfriend."

Silence.

It eats him alive, because Jeonghan shows no sign of anything.

"He chose.", the older whispers.

"He chose.", Wonwoo repeats.

Jeonghan sighs, but then... he strangely snickers. "Isn't it funny?"

"What?"

"Isn't it funny that I feel nothing? I mean... I kind of knew what he would choose... I always knew the answer. but I'm so dumb...I always come here hoping for a change."

It rips Wonwoo's heart in a million pieces and his arms immediately wrap around the other's body. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Thank you for telling me."

He doesn't know what to say, so he keeps on holding the older boy.

"You know what? I feel better now...knowing that it won't happen. I can stop dreaming now." Jeonghan smiles weakly as his dreams shatter right now.

"He doesn't deserve you." Wonwoo's eyes widen and he wants to slap a hand over his mouth, but his thought already made its way out of his mouth. The older looks at him. "He doesn't deserve you. He chose to live his whole life pretending to be someone he isn't, instead of being happy with you." It's done. Jeonghan laughs. "You're right.", is everything he says.

But his answer is more than satisfying, it's more than these few words. It tells a whole story from the beginning to the very end and Wonwoo hears it all within these few seconds. He smiles and presses a small kiss on Jeonghan's forehead.

And the memories come back.

How he used to kiss Jihoon's forehead. How he smiled into the boy's face, held his hand. They way Jihoon cutely hid his face behind his hands. How Jihoon always shook his bangs out of his eyes, revealing dark brown orbs...filled with tears.

_"Why **me**?!"_ , he hears his voice cracking and sobs fill the air. _"I don't want to leave you! I can't!"_ But whenever- _"Don't touch me!! **Please!** Make it stop!"_ His heart breaks when Jihoon pushes and pulls at the same time. _"Don't go..."_

It takes all of his power not to cry now and then he feels Jeonghan's fingers sliding between his. He buries face in the crook of the elder's neck.

"Is it Jihoon?" Jeonghan's voice is quiet, but steady. The younger nods.

"Wonwoo?"

He slightly lifts his head and lips touch his nose. "Do you remember what we said some nights ago? "He's not here." Jihoon isn't here." Reality crashes his mind, hits him like a tsunami.

"But I am." Jeonghan's words echo in his head and he realizes: Jihoon's cries stop. Immediately. His shaky voice disappears into nowhere, his crying face vanishes.

"You are...", he says and they slowly smile.

This is it.

Jeonghan's beautiful eyes find his and they lean in.

This time their lips touch and he's on fire, grabs the elder's arms and kisses him harder and hungrier.

And it's perfect.

Jeonghan is pulled over and he finds himself sitting in the other's lap, but they don't separate, lips working against each other. The younger's hands wander up and cup Jeonghan's face. Hands grab Wonwoo's shoulders and the kiss becomes more passionate, he feels the other's tongue sliding between his lips. A feeling of drowning kicks in, air being sucked out of his lungs and dizziness comes, he feels drunk, intoxicated. But it's the greatest feeling he ever felt.

Jeonghan pulls back and smiles. His lips are shiny and a bit red and the younger gently caresses his cheek. "This is it.", he whispers and the other nods.

"I think, today we won't need any drugs.", Jeonghan says and his laugh is so cute and beautiful, the younger melts right below him. "I think so, too.", he answers.

He tips his head and they kiss again, do it over and over until he thinks their lips must be swollen now. Wonwoo realizes that he hasn't felt this great since a long time.

Nearly four years.

He's afraid of hearing Jihoon's voice again. But there's nothing.

Nothing?

With his eyes open he looks around and all he can see his Jeonghan's smile, pearly white teeth revealing and red lips. It's perfect. Just perfect.

That is until Mingyu throws the door open and yells like the stupid idiot he is. " **Guys** , Soonyoung hyung and Junhui hyung are making out and _I saw that_! Did you see that? I saw that!" He bounces excitedly on his feet. "What the fuck, Mingyu, of course they do. They're together now, you dumbass!", Wonwoo shouts and facepalms himself. Jeonghan laughs so hard, he falls off the younger's lap. "Actually, I- this should've bee...a trick to get you out of this room, because-", Mingyu slurs, but then... _then_ Hansol steps into the room, grabs his boyfriend by the collar and kisses him hungrily.

Meanwhile he opens the button of his pants.

"Hyung, take me hard-"

"Okay, _bye_." Wonwoo hurriedly stands up and tries to pull the older up, who can't stop laughing. "You can stay, if you want." Hansol shrugs.

" _What the **fuck** , guys?!_" Even Mingyu seems a bit surprised, but he's too drunk to completely get what Hansol just said.

"I fucking hate you.", Wonwoo hisses and slams the door shut behind himself and Jeonghan. "I like your friends.", the other laughs. "At least _you_ , because _I'm_ thinking about throwing Mingyu out of our apartment..." Wonwoo groans, but then the older grabs his hand and pulls him downstairs and out of the house. He sees his other three friends in the distance at the shore, screaming like maniacs to another Taylor Swift song, Wonwoo believes it's Wildest Dreams.

"Tomorrow's the last party.", he says absent-mindedly. "Yeah, but it won't be the last time we met.", Jeonghan states. They nod and sit in silence, the sand still warm from the daytime. And Wonwoo wishes this moment would never end. Except for Seungcheol's " **Wiiiildest dreaams, aah, ah!** ", because he can't hit even one note right.

The clock hits half past two and more people crowd at the beach, getting out of the stuffy house, the music is so loud they can hear it outside. Wonwoo decides this will be the last song for tonight, so he takes Jeonghan to the dancing crowd. The song has more of a hip hop feel, but he knows it from another parties. His hands wander downwards and settle on the elder's hips, their bodies riding the beat and Jeonghan kisses him deeply. Everything around him becomes blurry and Wonwoo holds onto him tighter. The song ends too soon, but fingers lace together and time goes lost. The younger kisses him for the last time this night and he picks his friends up to go home.

Soonyoung laughs the whole time and slurs incoherent things, but Wonwoo just smiles and for the first time he feels great coming home from a spring break party while being completely sober. He gives Hansol a weird look, because he's covered in hickeys and bite marks and Mingyu grins dumbly with half-lidded eyes. Seungcheol only stops shouting the lyrics to annoying songs after Junhui whacks him over the head and tells him to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

When he tells Soonyoung the next day about the night, his best friend just grins. "I knew it! He's _totally_ your type!", he says with his arms crossed over his chest. "Oh my god, can you stop, please? I don't prefer any type of boy." Wonwoo rolls his eyes.

"Of course you do. You prefer pretty boys."

"And _you_ prefer..." Wonwoo tries to make a comeback, but he has to think really hard. "You prefer... hot sex bombs...god damn it.", he grumbles when the older wiggles his eyebrows. He might lose this round, but maybe in twenty minutes he'll have a counter attack. "But isn't that great? You finally got a new boyfriend. I'm so happy that you won't be mad at Valentine's Day anymore now.", the other rants and talks about so many future activities Wonwoo hasn't even thought about.

"We must look like some white chicks talking about double dates and cheesy couple shit.", he says, looking at the ceiling. They're still in bed, blankets pushed down to their feet and sunlight warming up the room. Soonyoung laughs. "Well, I think I'm the chick in my relationship. Don't know about yours, Jeonghan hyung looks pretty dominant to me."

"We're not in a relationship."

"You are. Believe me, bro, you are." Soonyoung pats him on the chest and swings his legs out of the bed, sitting up. "I gotta smoke. You, too?" The younger follows him without any words and after putting on some shirts they stride downstairs, focusing of the package of cigarettes on the table in the living room. It's relaxing, so Wonwoo closes his eyes and listens to the waves. After some time they hear Seungcheol and Junhui moving around the house. Soonyoung finishes his cigarette first and walks back inside, Wonwoo can see him greeting the other two and kissing Junhui. It's still so weird to him, but he's going to get used to it just like he did with Mingyu and Hansol. He steps back into the kitchen, gives his friends a small wave, then sits on a stool waiting for his coffee made by the eldest. "I'd rather not go upstairs, because Mingyu and Hansol are at it. And hell, they're _fucking loud_ and I don't want to hear Hansol moaning strange things.", Junhui says with a face of disgust, Wonwoo laughs loud and leans over the kitchen island.

"I hear them like every day, so be happy that you share a house with them for just one week. And unfortunately, I've seen **both** of them naked. Images I do not want to remember." He shields his eyes and groans, the others laugh. "Guys, today's the last party. We need to break that shit down before we have to go back home." Seungcheol claps and smiles brightly. "There's one at the end of the street, I was told to bring as many friends as I can.", he announces.

"Will there be enough alcohol?", Junhui jokes. "I guess, since they guy told me that." The older shrugs. "You should tell Jeonghan hyung about it.", Soonyoung urges and elbows his best friend in the ribcage. "So you can spend your last day in a romantic way: being totally wasted!" He nearly falls off his chair from laughing, the other two eyeing them with a confused look. "What?" Seungcheol asks slowly. And for the very first time _in years_ Wonwoo blushes.

"No way!", Junhui screams excited. "You and Jeonghan?!"

"When did that happen?" Even Seungcheol gets curious, but Wonwoo just wants to disappear in a hole or something. He's not used to being the center of attention and he certainly does _not_ like it. Especially because Mingyu and Hansol arrive at the kitchen early enough to hear the last sentences. Mingyu doesn't even bother wearing a shirt, but at least he wears his boxers. "Everyone's getting in a relationship on spring break, how does this happen?", Hansol asks amused. "Everyone except me.", Seungcheol whines.

"Shut up, I want to know all the details!" Junhui props himself up on his elbows, Mingyu sits right next to Wonwoo and grins. "You fucked yesterday, didn't you?", he asks. For this he gets an extra hard punch on the arm and he's lucky to be Wonwoo's best friend or else he might get a punch in the face. "No, so shut the fuck up. I don't fuck with him, we just got together yesterday. Oh my god." He groans annoyed. "But you made out. I saw that." Mingyu looks so triumphant, Wonwoo really wants to shove him. So he does, because he can.

"Can we please not talk about that? And I swear to god, Mingyu, Hansol, if you ever do again what you did yesterday... I'm going to throw you out of our apartment and get a new roommate!", he grumbles and covers his eyes. "Wait, what did we do?", Hansol asks confused. "You don't even _remember_ that you invited Jeonghan hyung and me to watch you guys fuck?!" This time it's Hansol who gets shoved by him _and_ Soonyoung. "What the fuck, guys?!" Soonyoung looks horrified. "Dude, I was so wasted yesterday, I can't even remember what I drank.", Mingyu laughs and pats his best friends on the back.

Soonyoung makes them pancakes for breakfast, they even find some maple syrup in a cupboard and Junhui whips cream next to his boyfriend. Meanwhile Wonwoo manages to text Jeonghan about the party. He immediately gets a reply and he still finds it so cute, he almost pukes. A smile comes up when he reads the words. "Jeonghan hyung comes, too. And he brings Seojun and Yuhwan.", he states and the others hum happily.

 

Time passes so fast, Wonwoo feels like it's been just half an hour that Jeonghan invited him over to tell Seojun and Yuhwan about them and eat lunch with them, but it's been _hours_. The two boys just smiled and encouraged them, even though Yuhwan looks a bit worried about the eldest. When they're alone Wonwoo brings it up. "Yuhwan seems a bit concerned...", he admits. The other smiles weakly. "He knows about Jisoo, that's why. He thinks every boy, who comes near to me wants to break my heart." He laughs a bit and it's not forced, so Wonwoo smiles as well. He likes that Jeonghan has someone, who cares a lot about him (besides him now).

"But I think he trusts you."

These words actually make his heart flutter. "Really? We just know each other since this week, even you and I!", he says and it makes him realize that they still are at the very beginning of their relationship and getting to know each other. On one hand it makes him worry about it a lot, but on the other hand he knows they won't rush into things. Both of them have been broken for a long time and they need to get used to being with someone again. It feels like being a child again, learning to walk or how to ride a bicycle.

"Yeah, I mean... it's not like we're planning to get married tomorrow, so it's all good." Jeonghan flashes a toothy smile before he leans in to kiss him. The younger suddenly wonders how things will progress with his boyfriend.

His **boyfriend**.

**His** boyfriend.

He becomes quite sad when he takes a leave back to his house, because he still has to pack his bags and he wants to take a shower before they go to the party. At the end of the beach he can already see people putting up tables and lights, so they really want to throw one hell of a party. When he arrives Junhui whistles at him. "Loverboy is back!", he sing-songs and Wonwoo flips him the middle finger. "Look who's talking.", he says and before the older can chase him through the whole house he escapes upstairs in his and Soonyoung's room. His best friend is in the middle of packing up, sighing heavily as he folds a pair of shirts.

"We should come back for summer vacation.", Wonwoo suggests while he picks up his bag to stuff in the clothes he won't wear tonight or tomorrow. "I'll ask my aunt when I call her." The other leans at the glass door to the balcony. "How will it go on with you and Jeonghan hyung?", he suddenly asks. Wonwoo stops and holds his breath. "What do you mean? He's about twenty minutes away from our college, that's near enough to meet often."

"I just wanted to know if this was going to be a vacation romance or something serious. Because I can't read your mind when it comes to this."

"What?"

"I don't know if you're ready because of Jih-"

"No, Soonyoung, we're _not_ going to talk about _Jihoon_."

"I'm not just asking this for _you_. I don't want you to hurt Jeonghan hyung, even though it wouldn't be your intention."

"He has his own package to carry." Wonwoo immediately regrets saying that and slaps a hand over his mouth.

_Fuck._

Soonyoung raises an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?", he asks slowly and comes nearer. His best friend sighs, there is no way out of it now.

"Jeonghan had a boyfriend a long time ago...", he begins and he tells the whole story, he even talks about the incident at the pharmacy. Soonyoung shakes his head in disbelief. "Oh my god, I have no words for that...", he mumbles. "It seems like you guys are a perfect match, you both went through some rough times and now you deserve someone great. And I think Jeonghan hyung is _really_ great.", he says and he means it, the younger can see it in his eyes.

"Let's finish packing and then I'll go get ready for the party later." Soonyoung nods and fixes some blond strands of his hair before he packs his backpack.


	11. Chapter 11

The party is already at boiling point when they come up the beach, people crowding outside and inside of the house, making it harder for the group to get through. They bought some alcohol from the convenience store nearby and set everything down once they finally arrive in the kitchen. "Guys, I saw some hot chicks, I'm going to leave now and get me some booty.", Seungcheol says and grins before he vanishes. Mingyu just laughs, grabs a beer and Hansol and they go dancing outside. The last three start drinking, Wonwoo already downs his third shot.

After some time he feels a hand heavy on his shoulder, he turns around and meets the most beautiful boy with the most beautiful smile he has ever seen. Jeonghan takes his cup and drinks from it. "So rude that you already started without me.", he jokes and without even asking he makes himself comfortable on Wonwoo's lap. Junhui whistles again, but the younger has no chance of punching him, because his boyfriend turns a bit and kisses him shamelessly in front of their friends. There are some cheers, but Wonwoo flips them the finger when it becomes too annoying. Some people join the group and they do funny drinking games.

One time it involves a round of spin-the-bottle, a girl has to get rid of her shirt, a boy has to do the eye-contact-competition with another girl, Seojun has to give Yuhwan a lap dance, Hansol has to carry Mingyu bride-style for one minute and another boy has to have a straight face while Soonyoung tries to make him laugh for thirty seconds.  Then the bottle lands on Jeonghan. Wonwoo swallows, suddenly feeling a thick lump in his throat. "Do a handstand while drinking!", a girl shouts. "No, he should kiss someone!", another girl shrieks excited and Wonwoo starts being uncomfortable. Seojun motions one of the boys over to whisper something in his ear. "That's it!"

It ends up with Jeonghan sitting in front of Junhui, who has his mouth full of vodka (since they were too lazy to get water). "He has to do aegyo and if he makes Junhui laugh he'll be sprayed." Yuhwan explains to the non-Koreans what aegyo is and the girls scream in excitement. "Really, guys? You know that I can't do aegyo...", Jeonghan mumbles and sighs. Wonwoo is actually amused by the scene, because Jeonghan _really can't do it_ , but he tries so hard.

"Junhui-ya, Jeonghanie hyung is huuuurt!", the older one says in a cutesy voice. Junhui looks like he's in pain and about to burst at the same time, so Jeonghan tries again. It takes all of the other's steel will to not laugh, because Wonwoo already does, so do his friends, because it's just ridiculous. But in Wonwoo's opinion it was kind of cute, just different to what Mingyu does (he's mostly annoying) and Hansol (subconsciously, because he thinks he's too "swag" to be cute).

Junhui swallows the vodka and squints his face at the burning sensation after. It ends quickly and the group slowly divides itself. Jeonghan is still a bit embarrassed from his turn, but after a cup of unrecognizable alcohol he's happy again. Mingyu comes up to them, pouting like a little child. "Seungcheol said there's no more weed. They took the last bit.", he whines. "Do you even wonder? You can barely pass from the kitchen to the bathroom. There are so many people, I wonder how they manage to dance properly in that cramped place.", Wonwoo shouts over the loud music. But something catches his eye.

A girl makes her way to them and she looks familiar. "Seulgi!" He waves at her and it takes a couple of seconds for her to make him out. "Ah, if that's not Jeon Wonwoo.", she says and grins. She notices the confused stares from everyone and holds out a hand for Jeonghan. "Kang Seulgi's the name.", she introduces herself and even shakes the others' hands. "And how-", Soonyoung starts. "We met at the first party.", Wonwoo explains. "She gave me some weed and we had a nice talk."

"Ha, "nice talk", I totally hit on you!", she laughs and slaps his shoulder.

Jeonghan's eyes widen and he looks worried towards his boyfriend.

_Oh shit._

But before he could continue Seulgi already blabbers again. "But I don't have a dick, so I'm out of league. So sad, I'm a great girlfriend!" She demonstratively throws her long dark hair back. Mingyu laughs at her comment and Junhui joins him. Soonyoung sports a big grin. "I think I'll have a solution for that. Do you mind me introducing you to a friend of us?", he asks and guides her through the crowd directly to Seungcheol. Junhui follows them straight, excited for what might happen. "I'll go searching for Hansol. He wanted to go to the bathroom, but it's been ten minutes already.", Mingyu says and the older ones nod.

"Let's go outside, I can't breathe.", Wonwoo suggests and he makes a beeline for the backdoor, still holding Jeonghan's hand. It's already dark and they're lucky, clouds nowhere to be seen. Stars blink and the moon shines bright, the air is refreshing and a soft breeze comes up.

The younger makes a satisfied sigh.

They sit on a small bench, feet digging into the sand, the music isn't as loud as inside of the house. Some heat lamps are turned on and the colorful lights around the place makes it even more enjoyable. "How is this going to work?", Jeonghan asks. It's more a question for himself than for Wonwoo, but the younger turns to him.

"We're just twenty minutes apart at home, it won't be difficult.", he says and smiles.

"No, I mean...like..."

Oh.

"Let's not rush, like we said before. Let's just go on dates, talk and stuff.", he says and shrugs. "Don't look at it like it's an encyclopedia you have to learn by head. We're...in a relationship. But that doesn't mean we need t-" He's interrupted by a pair of lips pressing on his. First he's very surprised, but when the elder's hands come up to his neck he leans more in and kisses him back. "You're so perfect. Just perfect.", Jeonghan huffs after they separate. "How did I end up with someone so perfect?" He smiles and cards a hand through Wonwoo's dark hair. "That's what I'm asking myself, too.", the younger says.

"And I bet in some months you'll say "How did I end up with someone so shitty?".", he jokes. "That's not true! You're awesome.", Jeonghan says and pushes him lightly. "Oh god, stop complimenting me or I'll throw up." Wonwoo mocks him by making a gagging sound. They laugh again and it just feels so great after so much time.

"The firework will start in five minutes!", someone announces and makes people spread the word. "A firework?", Wonwoo asks. "Last time I was here there wasn't one."

"I don't know, but let's go more to the back, so we can see it all.", the older says in an excited tone, jumps to his feet and takes his boyfriend by the hand. They walk to the side of the house, almost reaching the sidewalk. "Isn't that a great ending for a great first week?", Jeonghan asks and he's in a dreamy state, Wonwoo squeezes his hand. "I feel like the main character in some cheesy high school movie where the girl gets the boy at the end.", he laughs.

"But who's the girl?", the older jokes.

"Let's just be us: Jeonghan and Wonwoo.", he says after some seconds. "Sounds great to me.", the other says. They hold each other's hand tightly and the first firework goes up into the clear sky, painting it in gold, blue, green (Wonwoo gags), pink, red and more colors. It's beautiful and the moment is just perf-

"Jeonghan?"

They both freeze. Wonwoo feels his boyfriend squeezing his hand harder. They slowly turn around and Wonwoo gasps. It feels like an eternity that he's staring at that one boy's face he never believed to see again.

Jisoo.

Nobody says a word. Jeonghan just looks at him with no expression at all. And Wonwoo knows why he isn't saying anything, why he doesn't blame Jisoo for anything or why he doesn't tell him how much Jisoo hurt him. He waits. And Jisoo gets it.

"I...I'm...I..." The boy can't find his words, he remains at his distance and he clutches the small cross hanging from his neck, it must be a habit. "I thought you would be here, so I came...", he finally starts and swallows. "Because...I met him...um...your...boyfriend?" Wonwoo nods, tries to act strong since Jeonghan can't. "I...and...I'm...just...I wanted to say-" He looks like he's about to cry, bends his neck to take a short look up into the colorful sky and composes himself. "I'm sorry."

The grip around Wonwoo's hand loosens a bit.

"I'm sorry that I didn't stay with you. I just couldn't stand up against my father...I mean, _he's still my father and I love him_...and I didn't want to bring shame to my family. I thought if I refuse you, you would give up after some time and my father would be quiet about that topic. _I swear_...I didn't know about the things he told Mrs. Turner! I just wanted him to stay away from you, he hit me when I said that and... I cannot imagine how you felt when you and your family left, but I'm sure you weren't happy. I didn't know what to do, _you weren't here anymore_ , so I didn't know what my purpose here was! After...after I tried to run away from home, I-"

"Jisoo."

"My parents sent me into therapy, I was told that being gay is a sickness I need to get rid of. They tried to convince me that you really raped me! I can't get out of this, so now I play the nice son my parents can be proud of. They arranged a relationship for me with the girl's parents, we didn't even know each other before."

"Jisoo."

"And she doesn't even _like_ me, she **hates** us, her parents, she sleeps around like a slu- She nearly got pregnant and...and...I met your boyfriend at the pharmacy and I- I was so scared. I **am** scared. But all I know is that _I'm sorry_."

" **Jisoo.** " Jeonghan's voice cuts in before the other can say anything more. Jisoo's hands let go of the cross and he touches his face, feels the tears falling from his eyes. He looks so scared like a deer in headlights, scared of the other's reaction.

And Jeonghan smiles softly.

"It's okay.", is all he says and it makes Jisoo stop in his motion of wiping the tears, makes Wonwoo's breath hitch. "I forgive you." The other looks taken aback, but then he seems unsatisfied.

"No!", he nearly shouts and startles the other two.

"No, you shouldn't forgive me! What I did was horrible! I did _nothing_ to save the both of us... I don't deserve forgiveness, I deserve to be screamed at by you, I need to be beaten up by your boyfriend for treating you like...like..." His temper suddenly calms down.

"You deserve forgiveness after all you went through and will go through.", Jeonghan says, the honest smile not leaving his face. "For years I felt like shit, I wasn't able to forget you, but now I found Wonwoo and we share something unique. You telling me how sorry you are doesn't bring me joy. For some time I thought that it would bring me joy, if you felt miserable, too. And now seeing you and listening to your apology makes me realize: It's okay. It's okay that you did this all, it's okay that I went through depressing times, because it all made me into the Jeonghan I am today. And I'm grateful, because then I would've never met Wonwoo.", he says, squeezing Wonwoo's hand and directs a loving smile towards the younger.

Jisoo doesn't move an inch.

"Thank you for coming, Jisoo. I hope...one day you'll find what you want and deserve and nothing your parents force onto you. You still have a choice." And after these last words Jeonghan bows deeply, turns on his heels and walks straight towards the crowd of people, dragging Wonwoo a few steps behind with him. He smiles slightly when Jisoo's voice echoes from the street.

" **I'm sorry, Jeonghan.** "

And then Jisoo is gone.

Hopefully forever, because Wonwoo can't take this emotional rollercoaster anymore. He grabs Jeonghan firmly and turns him towards himself. "You're not angry or sad?", he asks to reassure himself. "No, I actually feel...lighter, you know? As if Jisoo picked up the last pieces and left forever.", he explains and circles his arms around the younger's neck. "Don't worry." And they kiss. Soonyoung appears out of nowhere, taking them to the dance floor and proudly shows off his skills of pairing up, because they spot Seungcheol and Seulgi dancing together. They laugh at Seungcheol's ridiculously funny tactics of flirting.

The party goes until nearly 4am when the host announces the last song. Wonwoo puts his arms around Jeonghan and kisses him as some song from The Weeknd starts playing, sweet voice and melody carrying them into another world. The older smiles beautifully and Wonwoo changes his mind, Hansol has the second-most-beautiful smile he's ever seen.

"I'll be there when you guys leave at 12:30am.", Jeonghan says and pecks his boyfriend on the cheek. "Sounds great, I'll be anticipating your presence.", the other muses before melting into another kiss.

 

The curtains are closed this time, Wonwoo really doesn't want to sleep in Mingyu's car, because that thing is a fucking _time bomb_ , ready to explode every second in his opinion. His phone wakes him and Soonyoung up, both grumbling about wanting to stay in bed longer, but at least Seungcheol volunteers to drive. After a short breakfast they start loading the bags into the trunk of the car. It's 12:17am and Wonwoo can't help it, looks constantly onto his phone for the time. He nearly jumps out of his skin when an arm slides around his waist.

"Good morning, sunshine." Jeonghan's voice rumbles through his head and he turns, just to be greeted by a kiss. "Good morning, beautiful.", he whispers. "Ugh, get a room!", Soonyoung shouts and acts like he has to gag.

Wonwoo grins and shoves his best friend a bit. "Are you free on Wednesday?", his boyfriend asks smiling. "Yes, don't have many classes there.", the younger says. "Good, let's get some food and coffee, then." He smiles and nods. "Let's make out the time over the phone, I guess your friends are a bit impatient.", Jeonghan jokes and points at the car, where everyone is pressed against the window, creepily watching them, while Soonyoung locks the door of the house. "Alright. I can't wait for Wednesday.", the younger whispers and the other smiles. "Me too." They share a last kiss before Wonwoo dives into the car, sitting on the passenger seat and because Mingyu can just _shut the fuck up_ he pushes his own seat back to the limit and traps the younger's legs.

" _Hyung!_ ", Mingyu whines, but gets ignored.

They wave Jeonghan goodbye and Wonwoo just sees Seojun and Yuhwan waving as well. He didn't notice them before, too occupied by Jeonghan. He sighs happily, closes his eyes and leans back in his seat when the car makes a turn the houses are out of eyesight.

He really can't wait for Wednesday.


	12. Chapter 12

The doorbell rings while Wonwoo is still in the procedure of picking his outfit. "Hyung, it's Jeonghan hyung!", Mingyu announces from their front door, letting the older in. "Just a minute!", Wonwoo shouts back. He's torn between the blue shirt and the white shirt. A knock on his door shakes him away from his thoughts. "We're not going to a fashion show, you know that?", Jeonghan asks and laughs. He gives the younger a peck on the lips. "Just go with the white one. Then we have a couple look." Wonwoo grabs the white shirt and pulls it over his head.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

"Alright, then give me one minute, I really need to pee.", Jeonghan says with an apologetic smile. "And you know how much I dislike unsanitary places." Wonwoo just nods and grins, leaving for the kitchen, to pack some bottles into his backpack. It's the 4th July and they're all going to meet up at that one field, where Junhui fell in love with Soonyoung, many college students celebrating Independence Day together. "Oh, by the way, hyung, there's a letter for you on the kitchen table.", Mingyu says as he takes his jacket. Wonwoo walks over to the small table.

A letter from Denver. He doesn't know anyone from Denver, but he opens it anyways. Just when he reads "Dear Wonwoo" Jeonghan appears and taps him on the shoulder. "Let's go." He drops the letter and they leave the apartment.

 

_Dear Wonwoo,_

_There is just so much I want to tell you, I don't know where to start. First of all: I am fine. I'm feeling so much better now, especially writing this letter to you feels so good._

They meet Soonyoung and Seungcheol at the crossing of the street and walk up to the place where Junhui, Hansol and their roommate live. Wonwoo never really knows how to talk to Minghao, the boy is so shy and his English isn't that good. He's a student from China, so he's lucky to have Junhui. When they arrive, Hansol's not-so-innocent-anymore friend Seungkwan is there, too and he blushes when he's introduced to Wonwoo's boyfriend.

 

_You might ask yourself now: Who in Denver writes me a letter? It is easy: I moved. I wanted to move for a long time and I found a nice, little apartment. But enough of this._

_It took me a long time to think about this, to even bring up the courage to write you this letter! I didn't want to do it before, because I didn't clear my mind. Now, everything is clear and I know what to think and I know what to do. So I decided to write you this, I can't call you, I am too afraid of it and I can express myself a lot better on this paper._

_I already told you: I am fine. I just want to repeat that for you to certainly know that everything is alright now._

Wonwoo can see Seojun and Yuhwan waving at them from the distance. They reserved a good place, Jeonghan puts a blanket on the grass and they all sit down, passing the bottles and cups. Laughter fills the air as stories are exchanged.

 

_I know now that everything happens for a reason. Of course, I never wished this would happen, but it did and we both had to deal with it. When I moved to Seattle I never thought it could get better. I missed you every second and I wanted to come back so badly. But it wasn't my time to decide, there were people, responsible people, deciding that it wasn't a good idea. So I went through everything that came, I had the worst nightmares of my life. Nightmares, where I lost you again._

Smoke floods Wonwoo's lungs as he kisses Jeonghan, his head high in the clouds, touches light as feathers. He's pulled to his feet when he passes the joint to Soonyoung. Jeonghan laughs bright and dances to the rhythm of the music playing from someone's boxes. Wonwoo feels like he's in heaven.

 

_But it all stopped. It stopped, because I realized something: I can't redo the past. It doesn't help me to pity myself, it doesn't help you to feel sorry for yourself. I talked more openly to the people, talked to my parents and it surely helped me feeling better. And I know it might sound stupid, but I learned to let go of it all. I learned to let go of the things that happened to me, to us. I start forgetting everything, but it took me so long and it will take long to let go of it completely._

_That's why I moved to Denver. I need something new, a place for myself to build a new life without the fear of the past._

_I called your mother to ask for your address, she cried from the first moment she heard my voice. I begged her not to tell you that I called, because I want you to be surprised to read this. She told me you blamed yourself for what happened._

_Now let me tell you: That is not true. It has never been your fault, neither was it mine. We both know whose fault it is and I don't even bother writing a name. There was nothing we both could've done and it doesn't matter, because it happened. So I'm asking you, not begging, to let go of it, because I care about you._

_But what is more important: Your mother told me you're seeing someone. She didn't say it first, I asked her! I asked, because I don't want you to hold onto me anymore and I mean it in a friendly way. I don't want you to save yourself for me or to wait, because I won't come back. Never. I found my true happiness here: I'm studying composition and songwriting._

_I am happy for you and your boyfriend and I hope he is the one, who makes you feel special, who makes you laugh and smile like you made me. I wish you both the very best for everything. With this letter I am giving you my last piece of thought about you._

_I really loved you, but I have to let go and I will let go of you, because it's better for the both of us. I want to ask you to not write me back, because this is it._

_Goodbye_

_Your Jihoonie_

_P.S.: Thank You for the good time we had._

The firework starts over their heads and Wonwoo looks down on Jeonghan, who's spread out on their blanket, a dreamy smile on his face.

"Do you know why you're perfect?", the younger asks.

"No, why?", the other laughs.

"When you told me you are here and Jihoon is not... his voice in my head died instantly. He's gone. I let go, I pushed him off the space to let you in."

"Was it a good decision?"

"The best." Wonwoo leans down. "I love you, idiot."

"I love you too, idiot." The older laughs and pulls him into a kiss.

And Wonwoo hears Lana del Rey's voice from a speaker. There is no nostalgic feeling anymore and he thinks he has found a new favorite song matching everything.

 

_Red, white, blue's in the skies._

_Summer's in the air and baby,_

_Heaven's in your eyes._

_I'm your national anthem._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved writing this! This is seriously my favourite fic so far (surprisingly, because it doesn't have smut hahaha)
> 
> I know that rape and overcoming traumatic experiences like rape are very difficult topics, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I tried to make it quite realistic in showing how problematic it is to handle traumas and coping with them, because these things don't go away after two months!


End file.
